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Baby No Sleeping

The Giving-Up Guide for Parents Who Can't Get Their Kids to Sleep

By Nell McCarthy

Each child is born with their personality ready to go. Thanks for sharing your sleep journey (so far) with your little Dusty, even though you have all been awake for much of it. My girlfriends have the two ends of the spectrum of sleepers and my little guy is in the middle (we do pretty well). I can't wait to share this!

Posted by: Sonia | Oct 24, 2006 17:19

Oh my God! I read this late at night while my husband was making the fourth attempt of the evening at getting our 3 year old to bed. I laughed so hard I turned red. Then I got tears in my eyes because I could relate so much. Thanks for the therapy!

Posted by: Kelli | Oct 28, 2006 22:08

I needed this.... my son is 8 months old and I have given in to the fact he sleeps when he wants.... be it 11 pm or 1 am...

Posted by: Jeannie | Mar 06, 2007 16:16

I really loved your article, of course there are things I found myself doubting whether you did it right or gave a certain technique enough time to work (aren't parents so judgemental) but there are so many of your points that made me laugh, smile and agree with you wholeheartedly. Especially, I am humbled by your lack of defensiveness at your "technique" to give in and let him set the schedule. I have friends who have done this and I have been very judgemental thinking they are harming the kid and stopping him from ever being able to be a good sleeper in life, but after reading your article I wonder if some kids are just born that way? I am now dealing with the issue with our second child at six months. I followed Gina Ford's contented baby book's schedule with my son (letting him cry it out- we committed to a week) at 7 months when I could stand him waking up every 2 hours no longer. After 2 days of crying, he did miraculously start sleeping from 7pm to 6am. Now at 4, he still keeps to the same pattern (please don't hate me). But as we are all sleeping in the same room (lest we freeze to death in our cold house) I am feeding our 6 month old whenever she wakes and she is starting to wake more often I think because of this. As I am back to work full time, this is killing me and it is getting harder and harder to cope- but I like your ideas about getting a sitter to let you sleep in and getting your husband to take first shift, etc. I will try those ideas while I try to figure out what if we want to try to let her cry or if I am just going to ride it out and deal with the lack of sleep for a while.
Thanks for sharing.

Posted by: joy | Apr 18, 2007 02:32

Like Joy, I did wonder if you gave each method enough time. We've been working through Elizabeth Pantley's "No-Cry Sleep Solution" book and having some success. But she points out that the sleeping-through-the-night thing is a total myth. A huge percentage of kids wake up a couple times of night for their first few years, so why is that framed as a "sleep problem" and not simply considered the norm?

Posted by: Karen | Jun 20, 2007 12:19

I could hug the author. At 18 months, I am dealing with the same thing, and have grown so tired of the ideal that experts and other parents think my child should be.

Posted by: Msno | Jul 24, 2007 19:13

Your article was great! It made me smile because my son also came home from the hospital sleeping very little. He didn't sleep through the night until he was two years old and only napped 1/2 hour a day. (even as an infant) We tried everything to get him to sleep ...for long periods of time. I bought every book I could and looked up information on line when I could. Nothing was working. I felt like a horrible failure since I couldn't make anything work for him. It wasn't until he was older that I discovered he had a sensory issue. Every sound, site, movement, or feeling was magnafied to to him. His doctor diagnosed colic was really a sensory issue. He also was suffering from fluid in the ear canal.(he only had pain while lying down) When his brain was finally able to take in all the stimulus and tubes were put in, we had a much calmer life. Looking back I wish doctors, family, and friends would've taken me more serious in the many months of no sleep with a screaming baby. I felt like no one understood what I was dealing with.
All the advice in the world wouldn't have helped me. What I needed was some physical help from family, less judgement, and a decent doctor.
I'm happy to say my son is now a healthy and happy 5 year old. He still requires a lot less sleep than many of his little friends but is doing great. By the way, so is mom.

Posted by: Del | Jul 28, 2007 17:16

What a wonderful article - parenting has become a crtical, failure driven experience. Maybe its time we all relax and put down the books and let are kids be free to be who they are.

Posted by: Karin | Jul 28, 2007 21:05

I love it! I am the mom of a beautiful, happy, adorabley frustratingly non sleeping baby and it was like a breath of fresh air to read this article! I have done many of the same things that she describes here and I think I am going to happily and sleepily surrendor! Also..I have 2 other beautiful sleeping children who did just lovely with bedtimes, schedules and all around sleepy time, but they're all different and our little Rowan appears to just have an added zest for the night life and life in general!

Posted by: Mom of unsleeping baby Rowan | Oct 29, 2007 01:22

very sad. i am a therapist and reading this just reminds me of how parents use their kids as narcisstic extensions, for better and for worse. kids need sleep.napping natzies- your term- are mothers who impose structure on their kids- which is one of the most improtant things a mother can give her child. bounderies- which seem to be lacking in your story- another wonderful gift you can give your son.
he needs a mom- not a romantic story of how bad parenting is actually a great thing.

Posted by: jane parker | Nov 10, 2007 13:36

Wow. Thank you.
My 6 month old is a terrible sleeper and I'm nearing the end of my rope. Suspected asthma just denied us CIO, which was going to be our last ditch effort.
Her sister is such a great sleeper that my husband and I were thrown for a loop with this new little girl who has such a different approach to dealing with the night.
Thanks for giving me some hope, not that she'll sleep better, but that I can survive.

Posted by: Jessica | Feb 06, 2008 17:14

I bet that therapist who commented above doesn't have any kids. Your article didn't say or suggest anywhere that you don't have boundaries! Give me a break. Anyway, just wanted to add to the thanks. I'm a new mom with the worst night sleeper I've met. Oh he naps just fine during the day--we've tried lots of sleep systems recommended by the various books, which guarantee that when you get the naps down right, the baby will naturally start sleeping well at night. Ha! is all I can say. We do perfect nap schedules in the day and still he's wanting to nurse and/or play all night. I think you're right--some kids just aren't going to sleep the way the books say they're supposed to. If it were so easy there wouldn't be so many books with totally conflicting advice. Anyway, thank you again for this article, which makes me feel so much better.

Posted by: Amy | Feb 16, 2008 13:39

You mean... I'm not going crazy?!?! There are really other parents/children out there who get no sleep because the young one HATES sleep??? I'm writing this now after searching high and low for solutions and possible problems of our son now nearing 3 months fights sleep with a passion. So far the only way either of us can get sleep is mainly by sleeping in shifts... but sleep deprivation is a constant battle we both fight on a regular basis. Getting more than 3+ hours of sleep at once is a godsend around here. He seems to have sixth sense about when he's let go from being held, laid down, or when people are making a hot meal... lol. Sadly, it's winter/cold and cough season... and the FDA has pretty much forced drug companies hands and most of the medication designed to help infants with colds/flu have been pulled off the market because of a few fatal overdoses from neglectful "parents" or "child care providers". So when my son isn't sleeping because he's choking to death on his own flegm, he's super active and fully interested in the world and stimulation... which we're more than happy to give. However when all our son does is powernap for an hour or less, and stay up for 5-8 hours... daddy cries on the inside. So now knowing that it is in all reality possible that such a situation CAN exist with seemingly no solution to helping a baby sleep... I can in a sense put my mind at rest. I thought we were doing something wrong or maybe something was wrong with him. Doc's can't explain it... and I'm not going to drug my son just because he has the gift of operating on less sleep that most of us would consider priceless. Thank you for sharing your situation and helping us with ours... best of luck to you all!

Posted by: Richard Grubb | Mar 07, 2008 08:09

For the "therapist" trolling the comments, who's comment about being "narcisstic" is like the idiom "Pot calling the kettle black." Rather than being empathetic (a quality that "should" be present in most counselors and/or therapists in order to do their job) and giving constructive criticism, you belittle the person and offer no insight of your own to prevent or possibly correct the matter. For proclaiming to be a therapist, maybe you should specify what kind, and be so bold as to put your opinion where your mouth is and give us your place of practice so we can inform your superiors of your "expert advice" and see what they have to say about it? If not... then you've already spoken for the quality of your "advice".

Posted by: Richard Grubb | Mar 07, 2008 08:29

AMEN and AMEN!!

my now 2.5 yr old was 11 weeks premature. even being THAT early, when he was in the NICU he was up for 3 hour stretches. i should have known then that i was doomed.

once we chucked all the sleeping books and theories, our lives got better. he's actually falling asleep on his own now.

Posted by: bev | Mar 29, 2008 21:03

I have Dusty's twin brother at my house! And my first daughter was like this, but not as extreme as these boys are. I have given up too. And we are sometimes hanging out together at 3am - but I can't change it. I've tried. It's not worth the stress and the headache. =) But it's nice to know I'm not alone!

Posted by: Brandie | May 06, 2008 17:03

Thanks for this. I have a 3 month old non napper and have struggled with just letting it go because everything and everyone tells you it should be different it's not healthy. But from 6 weeks old my darling little man has been awake all day and regularly up at night. I realize 3 months is nothing but when all your friends have sleepers and have time for showers and brushing their hair you wonder.

Anyway I will feel better about just letting him sleep as he will.

Posted by: Liz woodsworth | May 07, 2008 15:10

Wow. I dont feel as alone anymore. We have a newborn who is 9 weeks now. She's a crier. Seriously, everyone (including our pediatrician) states that they have never seen a fussier baby than her. she doesnt take naps longer than 20 min. during the night, she wakes about every 45 min to an hour. My husband and I are exhausted. She wont eat eventhough she's hungry. So, we cant seem to get her on a schedule. I think Im going to give up now.

Posted by: elisa | May 27, 2008 13:18

We have an 8 month old who came home from the hospital not sleeping. I think it's our culture that tries to make babies fit into OUR schedule instead of highlighting their individuality. I've have just adopted the "let it be" theory tonight when I came across this article. Perfect timing! By the way, I too am a therapist who works with children and all I can say to the other therapist is it is much easier to give advice when you don't live it and see exceptions to the "rules".

Posted by: Dawn | Jun 06, 2008 23:36

Thank you. I have a 6 month old who is a poor sleeper. She takes short naps unless I am holding her and at night she is up every 2 hours. For the first part of the night she wakes every hour than after midnight she sleeps in the 2 hours bursts and wants to nurse. I have tried everything without success. I have a 5 yr old who sleeps great down at 8 up at 7 and has been a great sleeper her whole life. I always had her on a schedule-still do-and assumed this one would follow suit. I guess we have learned the #1 lesson--all children are different. I think this article just reminds us of that and lets parents know it's ok if they don't always fit the mold. So, thank you!!

Posted by: Heidi | Jul 04, 2008 00:02

As a parent whose 10 month old child continues to cry during the night, your story touched home. Even though I am not ready to let go, your article gives me hope. We are both exhausted and my work is suffering. Thank you for sharing your story.

Posted by: J Lanza | Aug 17, 2008 16:26

I take care of a good friend's 7 month old baby girl daily, for 9 hour stretches. My friend works during the day, so she keeps their baby up even after she begins to show noticeable signs of tiredness each night. I'm guessing the baby gets about 7 hours of broken sleep a night. I know they run in if the pacifier falls out, etc., and attempt putting her back down each time she wakes up. They have not tried the cry-it-out methods... Point is, the baby cannot put herself back to sleep whether at night or during the day. I spend 9 hours a day with an over-tired non-sleeper. Her average "sleep" time (after a fight to get her down) is 20 minutes. I don't know how my friend gets through a work day. I want to go to bed as soon as the baby is picked up each day. I am sorry if this is offensive, but I don't understand why any parent, for their own well-being, wouldn't consistently try a suggested method. Babies need to learn to self-sooth and put themselves to sleep and back to sleep. This article suggests that it is fine with you that your child decides when you sleep, eat, shower, grocery shop, etc. How can a person live like that for long? It doesn't sound glorious to me; it sounds awful and exhausting.

Posted by: S Leep | Aug 21, 2008 11:00

After yet another 'failed sleeping' night this was so refreshing to read - exactly how I fell .. thanks

Posted by: Jackie keeble | Sep 21, 2008 17:01

I'd like to thank the author for this article. It was equal parts terrifying and gratifying. My husband and I are the parents of a five month old wonderful baby girl who has the sleeping habits of a college student hyped up on caffeine and energy drinks. She doesn't sleep more than 2-3 hours a shot at night and often wakes up crying - and forget napping, which is hit or miss, but more likely miss. I've read so many books, heard so much advice, none of it helpful. I've fought with my husband, been mean to him, mean to my child (only in my mind, thank goodness) and most of all, mean toward myself. I've felt like a failure as a mother for not being able to get my baby to sleep. This article made me realize I'm not alone. I haven't given up the fight yet - but "giving up" and letting my baby sleep when she sleeps, is certainly an option I hadn't previously considered.

Posted by: Dana Schwartz | Sep 26, 2008 12:18

Best thing I've read in a long time. It's your kid raise them the way you want, do what is best for your kid and stop listening to the 'experts.'

Posted by: Joe | Sep 29, 2008 21:25

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