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What's the Matter With Mommy?

Don't Even Bother: The Case Against Childbirth Preparation Classes

By Kelley Cunningham

If you think that those of us who had easy childbirths are full of shit, I think you are too. My first son was born in less than three hours. My water broke at noon, contractions started 10 min. later. By the time my husband got me to the hospital I was 8 cm. dialated and they hooked me up to the stupid machine for 30 min because the doctor "didn't think a first time mom would progress this quickly". Well buddy, I did. They then abandoned me in the delivery room and all I could do was yell at my husband to get someone in the catch the baby because it was wasn't waiting for anyone.

Drug free and reasonable pain (all things considering) but boy it felt good to push, it was a real relief and after all was said and done all I wanted to to was hold my beautiful son who had a beautiful round head because, by the grace of God, I was not in labour long enough for him to be a cone head.

Posted by: krista | Jan 16, 2007 15:53

Dear Krista:

Yikes! Ouch!

My piece is obviously written for comic effect and is over the top, but it is basically true that a lot of us are left feeling somewhat let down and unprepared for the experience by the childbirth preparation methods out there.

I hope you realize how lucky you are that you had such an easy time of it.

And by the way, my son did have a cone head, but he was beautiful anyway.

Posted by: Kelley Cunningham | Jan 16, 2007 19:04

i laughed so much that my husband is now convinced the baby will be here any second as i was equally hysterical last pregnancy(due in 3 days)...i have printed it off so that i can read it in hospital and hopefully laugh so much the little bastard flys out quick smart..ta missy. xx

Posted by: chloe le fay | Mar 08, 2007 16:40

Thanks, Chloe! I'm glad my column gave you a good laugh, especially needed during those last days of waiting. Best of luck to you and have a speedy labor!

Posted by: Kelley Cunningham | Mar 08, 2007 18:51

Dear kelley,
I have 2 sons, each birth was horrendous. I seriously believe I suffered post truamatic stress disorder for years after each birth. No, not the 'blues' or a little bit of depression because of the hormone imbalance which is so common and normal, blah, blah. No, I'm referring to flashbacks of being tortured in the delivery room for hour after hour.
The few woman I mentioned this to have typically been in one of two camps. First, well you didn't "welcome the pain, pray to your womb" camp, the other "I was in labor 5 days and I got over it, grow some balls lady"
It was torture, I was tortured.
Yet, no one else has ever acknowledged my pain and torture as legitimate because giving birth is supposed to be painful.
Thank you for sharing your story, even though you used humor I know you were in a world of pain and I appreciate where you are coming from and feel that I could tell you my story and you would not try to minimise what I went through.

Kind regards, Mary

Posted by: Mary | Mar 19, 2007 01:24

Thank you for your comment, Mary. No, I would not minimize your experience, that's for sure. You bring up an interesting thought here...I wonder how many of us are left with a lot of anger and confusion over our experiences. Probably a lot more than we know.

Posted by: Kelley Cunningham | Mar 19, 2007 19:10

I'm kinda like Mary. Other than just discovering this article. My first birth was a case of medical assault. I had and still have PTSD that lingers 13 years later. No one likes to talk about the effects that birth can have. Or in my case, the effects that traumatic birth can have, especially when the medical professionals in whom you entrust your life, treat you like a worthless piece of meat and carve you up and use long-abandoned forceps without anesthetic because they are in too much of a hurry. And there was no fetal distress. I was just taking too long. After all, you can't push for more than 10 minutes, you know.

The second and third of my children basically fell out with ease. I am one of those people who can't run up the stairs without almost passing out (asthma). But birth works well with me with the right doctor. I could spit out kids all day.

All that natural birth stuff works well for some, but the "get in touch with your inner birth goddess" is just creepy! And while I do believe that modern technology does get overused at times and leads to sort of a "domino effect", why endure pain if you don't have to? We live in a modern world with choices. And sure, women have been giving birth for 10's of thousands of years, but the earth mamas seem to forget about the high rate of death before modern medicine. Chanting and beads can't correct a low-lying placenta or a prematurely detached one. Or keep a mother from having a seizure.

There are no medals for going drug-free! No one is a better mother for giving birth like a godd***ed peasant in a field!

The placenta-eaters need to realize that the more complex the species, the more likely it is that something could go wrong. Even if your body is "designed for birth". Our bodies aren't perfect. Otherwise we wouldn't get cancer, diabetes, birth defects, bacterial and viral illnesses that kill us, and other horrific diseases.

P.S. I love your writing.

Posted by: Michelle | Dec 07, 2007 13:18

I meant to phrase it so that you would know that I just discovered the article, not Mary. Brain fart!

I need to keep up with the site better! There is so much great stuff on here!

Posted by: Michelle | Dec 07, 2007 13:38

Haha! I have to say, even though I am a 'moon-dancing, tea-feeding, Shit Karma instructing, crunchy-mommy', this had me rolling!

I am glad that you can look back on the event with a dose of Vicodine and humor!

Now, I have to heartily disagree with most of what you said! (sorry). I have had 5 children (a set of twins in there), all unmedicated and happily so (no I am not a masochist).

My first was a 7 hour roller coaster of discomfort. At 4cm I hopped in the tub. 10 minutes later I hopped out of the tub, grabbed my nurse by the neck and began pushing at a full 10cm. Water works magic on dilation. :o) My second was a persistently posterior cherub. She caused me 11 hours of rectal pressure that felt like the worlds largest hemorrhoid was attempting to migrate, without me, to Hell. :o)

The twins were a fast and furious Pitocin-induced sprint to the finish line (5 hour labor). It was hard work, but not horribly painful. And my final little one was a 21 hour slow and steady birth that took me 14 hours to get to 7cm and 7 hours to get the last 3cm. He was easy-going, pain-free even!

Sidebar: I didn't balk at your babies size... two of mine were nearly 8lbs, one was nearly 9lbs, and the twins were middle 5lbers. My mom birthed two 9lbers, my grandma birthed 4 10lbers, and my great grandma birthed 9 children, at home, that ranged from 9 to 11.5lbs. The only one who ever had perineal trauma was me (episiotomy for my first, medical emergency).

Second sidebar: I would say that the reason your tennis balls did better justice elsewhere, on your spouses anatomy, was because of the pitocin, not the episiotomy. Pitocin contractions are WAY different, and unfortunately, not oft prepared for.

Well, I have had a great laugh, am still smiling, and have to go practice my "salute to the Moon" before Crunchy Goddess Eva calls me via our birthing runes to attend the 'blossoming' of her latest primate (#11) from her Oni. :0)

P.S. The knife-under-the-bed trick doesn't work, just like Lamaze panting doesn't :o)

Posted by: BelliesAndBabies | Jan 10, 2008 13:58

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