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Tough Girl

My daughter has an aggressive streak.

By Susan Cuadrado

Susan,

I so enjoyed reading this article. Your such an excellent writer. I totally identified with your story because we just recently completed that huge registration package for Sydney (she'll be starting Kdg in Sept). When I came to part about "weaknesses", I too felt funny about filling it out - I didn't want to seem like she was perfect, but didn't want to "rat her out" either when we were starting with a clean slate at a new school. I especially enjoyed reading your article because I have the privilege of knowing you and Rowan. I appreciated your descriptiveness of "mommy" situtations that we've all similarly experienced, but I wouldn't be able to put it into words the way you did with a nice touch of a sense of humor. Anyway, I better end this here because I'm sure I'll be running out of room. Thanks very much for sharing and for keeping in touch.

Love,
-helene:)

Posted by: Helene Rosenthal | Jul 18, 2006 14:17

Awesome article - you go girl!

Posted by: Juliet | Jul 18, 2006 14:23

Great piece Susan. Your words resonate with me so much. My youngest is similar. Strong, oppinionated, passionate, stubborn, and kick-ass tough. It's hard not to try to not settle her down, to tell her to "be nice". It has become a social norm to calm our girls down and attempt to fit them into the good-girl mold. But I see that you are right. It's not OK for me to always stifle her assertiveness. It is a part of her and will be there when she needs it most, if I allow it. Thanks for the reminder.

Posted by: Tracey | Jul 18, 2006 15:55

My niece is exactly like your daughter and her parents think it's awesome and encourage her horrible behavior and guess what?...the little girl is turning into a socio-path and has no friends and is a complete embarrassment.

I think you're doing your daughter a great disservice. Boys shouldn't act like that and neither should girls. You're just paving the way for her to be a complete brat, social outcast and behavior problem and when she grows up, she'll think she's entitled to everything and will probably never be able to hold down a job.

So, keep up the good work!

Posted by: Betsy | Jul 18, 2006 18:53

You know, your article resonated with me and I am the mother of a five year old BOY. I find that there is not so much of a "boys will be boys" attitude where I am (East Village, NYC), it's actually pretty even across the sexes..You could have been describing my son. I hate the feeling, when I go to pick him up from school or day camp of being confronted by a teacher or counselor about the "kind of day" my son had. I know what kind of day he can have, esp. if he's hot/tired/confined, etc. He also still naps during the afternoon on the weekends. Sigh...we are working a lot on resolving the "use your words not your hands" issue, but I sometimes feel really judged as a parent because of the way my son behaves. He's wired this way and developmentally is only beginning to understand the concept of consequences.

Posted by: Rita | Jul 19, 2006 10:31

I agree. There is a differnt standard for boys than for girls and frankly, its not fair. We all must learn other ways to deal with confrontational situations and getting what we want without resorting to violence, but the old way of thinking, "boys will be boys" is for the birds. I am currently on a quest, at almost 41, to find my fearlessness I once had as little girl. This is an area that needs more attention in the child rearing world.
Thanks Susan!

Posted by: Romy K | Jul 19, 2006 11:55

Frankly, Betsy, you're wrong. It's just your type of judgemental projectionist view that has crippled our youth, and I'm sure it's your children, not Susan's who will grow up to be "sociopaths". Now, on to Susan - I can sense the caring and love in everything you say when you describe Rowan, the insouciant muse that she is. Yes, it's true - we all exhibit aggressive behavior. If it comes on in childhood, it must be channeled. Rowan is only the way she is because her mother is the way she is - a little wild, a little mouthy, but always the essence of propriety and ettiquette. Unlike Betsy above, who could have learned from Susan's observations, had she not been so narrow-minded. Bravo, Susan for caring, and sharing.

Posted by: Judy | Jul 20, 2006 20:33

I actually agree with Rita about my boy not being accepted as his strong-willed self, either. But, like Susan, I also notice how much he is a leader among his peers and how confident he is in making friends and doing his own thing. I just feel it is my "job" to help him "stay with the Jedi's" and not go over to the dark side with it . . . LOL! Much good for leadership, there is :-)

Posted by: Cindy | Jul 23, 2006 17:33

Yeah, well, if Susan's daughter ever got aggressive with mine and thought it was "cute" are endearing, I would would get wild and mouthy too, and not with the kid herself. It's not about being judgemental, it's about parents thinking their children can do no wrong and encourage their bad behavior. I don't think it's cute and I'm sure the child recipients of such behavior don't think it's cute either. Sometimes it's hard for a mother to see the obvious and not to think that the whole world revolves around your kid.

Posted by: Betsy | Jul 23, 2006 17:53

Betsy, I do appreciate your reading and responding to my article, but your mean-spirited first comment was off the mark, and your follow-up comment to what Judy posted, shows me that you really didn't get what I was trying to say. Nowhere do I say my daughter's aggressive behavior is "cute," nor do I encourage the negative aspects of aggression. Just the opposite. It's the positive side of aggressivness--the leadership, the confidence, the determination, the drive to accomplish--that needs to be channeled in a child who has an aggressive nature. And it is a nature. I am sorry my message didn't come through to you.

Posted by: Susan | Jul 24, 2006 00:51

Betsy's words may have been a little harsh, but I don't think she's completely off the mark. Susan, you describe your daughter as aggressive, and praise the healthy aspects of aggressiveness. Kicking, hitting, etc. are not healthy expressions of aggression and left unchecked lead to bullying (a huge problem in our schools)and a whole host of other issues. You also wrote that you too often battle with her and you both end up in tears. As a parent it is crucial that you remain neutral when she is having her tantrums. Keeping your own emotions in check during her outbursts is the best thing you can do. Difficult, but necessary. As one who has been there, my unsolicited advice is don't ignore this unhealthy aggressiveness and never assume that she will grow out of it.

Posted by: Susie | Oct 06, 2006 14:41

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