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My Only Child

There can be only one.

By Victoria Clayton Munn

Well of course you can buy your daughter a baseball mitt! I just got one for my 3 year old who wanted on like her big brother. :) It's pink.

Posted by: Annie | Jun 02, 2006 07:42

Amen! I am the mother of an only child; he is 14 years old and the best thing in my life. I never intended to raise an only child; I was an only child and I would have given anything to have a brother or sister. However, I too had a very difficult pregnancy and birth (preeclampsia, anemia, hypertension, C-Section) and I can't seem to bring myself to go through it again. Am I selfish? Maybe. After my son was born, people would tell me I would eventually forget the pain and suffering of pregnancy and childbirth. I figured once that happened, I would be ready to have another. I'm still waiting to forget that pain and suffering. I just never got there. I also don't know how I would split my time now. My son is very active in athletics and if I had to miss something that he was doing to attend another child's activity, it would kill me. I don't know how people with 2 or 3 active kids decide which parent goes to which event. Not to mention single parents! We are also able to provide our son with the "gear" that he wants for his sports. If we had more than one, we would not be financially able to do that. Our son is certainly not antisocial or selfish by any means. As a small child, he never got jealous or territorial when I held or played with another child. He has always loved other kids; he's always shared his toys. He's an A student in school. His teachers love him. So the bunk about only children not being well-adjusted is just that, bunk. He's spoiled, but not a brat.

Posted by: Amy | Jun 02, 2006 09:43

I hate to rain on your parade, or add fuel to the fire, but you just may change your mind. It's easy to set your decision in stone when your daughter is so young, but you know. I had an aching in my heart when my daughter turned 4 and I never, ever considered having more than one, but out of nowhere, something biological and maternal creeped up on me. I didn't ask for it to happen, it just did and yearned to hold a baby in my arms again and couldn't shake the feeling. My husband and I were happy and content with just one, but life is strange that way. For four years I was dead-set on having an only child. You just never know...

Posted by: Grace | Jun 02, 2006 16:52

I commend you Victoria, and any grown-up that lives her/his life intentionally. As for commentor Grace, well, of course you never know! But that's no reason to rain on someone else's parade.

I'm dealing with those hormonal urges myself right now. I will say that Grace was right about one thing, the urges starting hitting strong as she approached 4. My lil one is 5 now and the urges havent really stopped. Further, I'm nearly 43 and know that my birthin' days are limited. Further yet, my husband would love a brood of 3 or 4 or even more! ;)

Yet, I'll still have just one... one exceptional child. I am capable of ignoring hormonal urges for the betterment of my family unit. I am a reasonable, wise adult woman. I gave my husband one beautiful, intelligent, funny, intense little girl (I hadn't planned on even one until I met him and compromised) and he is just thrilled and so in love with her.

We haven't the money for a Harvard education, but we are gonna put our smart lil one thru the best possible college we can manage. Yes, she gets a little lonely at times, as all kids do, but she has had quality play time with one of her parents each and every day of her life. (I wonder how many parents of multiples can truthfully say the same.) She is also enrolled in a gymnastics class, has neighborhood friends, and other activities to keep her busy.

We are a happy family, parents who dote on their well-adjusted, content, smart, beautiful daughter. As it should be.

Posted by: Lu Ann | Jun 14, 2006 01:49

I enjoyed reading your essay! And, I'm proud of you and your husband for making a decision and doing what you feel is right for you, despite what anyone else may say.

I am an only child. A very happy one. And "old" one! Ha! I just turned 46. And, I always enjoyed being an only child. I think I had a short spell in second grade of wanting a sibling, but that was just because many of my friends were receiving new siblings and it looked fun.

We moved a lot growing up and there was an incredible bond formed between my parents and I. We were more of a "threesome" than parents with a child. We had fun! Fortunately, my husband of many years accepted my folks as his own before we even married.

Now my parents are aging and I am, for the first time in my life, longing desperately for siblings. I need help running them to doctor appts, taking them shopping, and caring for them. More urgently, I need someone to share this emotional burden with. I want a sister who I can cry on. A brother who will say "Don't worry, Sis - we have each other." My Mom just found out she has breast cancer - my dad is 81 and has some heart problems. They won't be here forever - and that's okay. But, when they go - I'll be the one remaining out of a strong threesome that was formed 47 years ago and carried me throughout my life, emotionally, spiritually, and even mentally. Just wanted to share. No situation in life is perfect. But, this is some food for thought. Blessings no matter what you choose!

Posted by: Kate, the Only Child | Jun 15, 2006 08:03

I completely agree with your article and I too have had these questions posed to me over and over. I have the pressure of possibly providing a girl to our male dominated family. I certainly can't help it if my husband, his brother, his father and grandfather seem to have stronger boy sperm than girl sperm!

Let us not forget the original questions in this line like "When are you two going to get married?" and "When are you two going to buy a house?" and my favorite of now, "When are you going to be done your schooling?". I've recently gone back to school and think about the end of my chosen new school/career path often, thanks everyone for asking. These questions that other people want to know take us out of the moment and WELL, somehow just give them something to talk about.

Posted by: Heather Hutchison | Jul 16, 2006 17:51

Just found this website and article. I am the mother of an only also (also a unplanned only). As the oldest of four I dreamed of being an only child. I am not sure how I wanted my parents to accomplish that. I have ocassionally had those "I want a baby" urges but they are quickly tempered with the fact that no one stays a baby. Plus my husband never has those urges. I just want to know why is it that people feel so comfortable commenting on how you should reproduce. Really, does anyone think "I am telling someone to potentially risk their life, sanity, or other important stuff?" So I have resigned myself to having the "Is she your only one?" conversation at the park, library, farmer's market, and coffee shop line. Yes, don't you think she is good enough?

Posted by: Angela | Sep 09, 2006 11:34

It's so helpful to read these responses, as I am struggling each day with this decision. My husband is 12 years older than me, and is slowly progressing onto the "one baby" boat. My son turned 4 today, and I feel the urges, but I realize how stretched I am right now. How do I give more time to a baby?

I am afraid however, of him being alone when I age ... or, God forbid, me or my husband being alone because my son and I have already passed on.
I know you can't see the future, but is there comfort in the two child family?

I was watching a discussion on TV with a small girl (about 12 years old), and as her mom was dying, it wasn't the presents and the vacations she remembered, it was getting her mom a bowl of cheerios when she was too sick to get up after chemo. I'm saying to myself that I like my lifestyle, and want to continue with it, but is that selfish? Giving my son a trip to France or a new bike next year ... does that outweigh the lifelong link to a sibling?

But in reality, I just don't think I can do it ... fatigue hits hard, and at the end of the day, I want to make sure I have some energy for my son.

HELP!!!!!!!!

Posted by: Amy | Sep 23, 2006 21:37

I often think about what it was like growing up as an only child. We always had "fun". Going out was not a big project where we worried about who would act up during dinner and who had a soccer game over the weekend that would put us out of our way. We just wanted to have fun. So what if I was a little spoiled you only go around once and you may as well enjoy. I am so proud of you that you wrote this essay and as an only child in my twenties I want to tell you that you have nothing to be ashamed of. You and your daughter I am sure will always be close and she will always remember the times that it was just the three of you. Also I want to add that going to New York is a great activity for an only child if you live on the East Coast and tkts has great half priced tickets. That was always where my most magical memories where. I often said that I would not have anymore than one if I were to have kids the last thing I need is two or three to cramp my style. So hopefully I will get lucky with because I like my life the way I like it and that's okay. Lastly I want to thank you for writing that artical and wish you luck.

Posted by: Brenda | Oct 25, 2006 13:40

I am the mom of a 15 year old girl, an only child. She loves it--my husband & I are happy too with our decision. I am 46 and at age 39 I had the "urge" to have a second one, but my husband was not so sure--he is 5 years older than me and reasoned that the kid would still be in school when we were thinking of retirement. We don't want that. And really, the thought of waking up at all hours of the night bothered me, along with diapers, formula, etc. I guess I just don't have a strong mother gene. It's not selfish--it's realistic. We are quite sure of our limitations too. BTW, our kid is happy, an academic achiever, has a very close group of friends; not real outgoing, but neither are we. She's spending 1/2 the summer at camp with her "camp siblings." She's not spoiled or a brat and actually, we are sometimes a little too strict about expectations I think. Just make sure your little one gets in playgroups or daycare--something to push that social development. Good luck with your only--it's fun!

Posted by: Beth | Apr 27, 2007 15:17

I totally agree with everything you say. My husband and I have one child, a little boy and do not want any others. My pregnancy was high risk also and my baby was born 6 weeks early. I also experienced severe post natal depression. The pregnancy and associated risks and the depression is not something I would like to experience again. I am an only child myself and I never regretted not having sisters and brothers. I developed very close friendships and felt incredibly special growing up. I also got my mother's undivided attention when she wasn't at work. You are definately making the right decision. Don't let society pressure you into anything.

Posted by: Toni Darwin | May 30, 2007 03:05

I am a 28-year-old only child who is now a mother of one, a two-year-old boy. I enjoyed my childhood very much, was very close to my parents, and continue to be. I was very fortunate to marry a man who fit right in with the 3 of us in our tight little unit. I never really gave my status as an only child much thought, until now, as we find ourselves trying to figure out what shape our small family will take. Ever since our son turned 2, it's all we talk about: are we going to have another, or raise an only? As a mother raised a singlet, it is quite hard to wrap my head around this whole sibling thing! I have all the usual questions about dividing love/time/money/energy, and oh dear- patience! I also don't feel that's I'd be doing my first born any major disservice by not providing him with a sib. I feel a huge hormonal pull to have another, and I find it difficult to discern the so-called 'womb lust' and fantasy of the second baby with really truly wanting the reality of two- forever. So I've been thinking a lot about it, asking myself a lot of hard questions, reading a lot of books, hoping to have an epiphany of some sort, but knowing, I suppose, that this is a large grey area involving leaps of faith either way. A big part of me feels like, in having two, my husband and I will be submitting to the status quo, or rather, it will appear we are, and I like the specialness of choosing only one. I even secretly like the idea of the smugness I might feel- that I do feel today with just one- at the grocery store watching a mother of multiples battle with 2 or 3 to get them into the minivan- 'thank god there's only one of you, buddy!' runs through my head often. The sassy part of me that wants to give everyone a flat 'nope' when asking if we'll reproduce again will miss out too- I cringe to think of the people who will tell us 'see! we knew you'd come around!'- yikes. Anyway, I have a feeling deep down like one more might be in the cards for us. Maybe. But I have nothing but respect for those of you making the choice to have an only and sticking to it!

Posted by: Christa | Jun 29, 2007 13:12

The author of this article is either an only child herself or is a middle child of a large family who was constantly lost in the shuffle. Many times deprivation develops character which forces people to accomodate each other through negotiation and compromise. With a family of two or three children, siblings learn the true meaning of sharing and cooperation in an early and ongoing fashion. Sharing is about being concerned about people not about receiving something in return for doing a favor in the future. The author also mentions a risky medical condition that may have affected her daughter. Life itself is a risk even when there are no negative genetic medical predispositions. The value of a family is not undivided attention and love necessarily but rather learning to care for others your own age(siblings) while at the same time appreciating the sacrifices that parents have made for their children.

Posted by: Christian | Feb 04, 2008 18:37

I get the part about the genetic condition and difficult pregnancy, those are understandable. But if your main reason to have an only child is so that you can provide more money and material things for her, I beg you to reconsider. I grew up an only child for that reason--my parents felt they could provide better for just one kid. They were not poor by any means, but they felt with just one they could better afford to send me to college and buy material things, and a nicer house. I can tell you I would trade my college degree (or pay for it myself instead) and any material thing I ever had for a sibling. I had friends growing up but it wasn't the same. I never felt that we were a family. All my friends had siblings and I always felt I missed out on something. I disagree with the "studies" that say only children are just thrilled with their situation--I only knew 2 other only children when I was growing up, and both longed for a sibling, just like I did. I'm not angry with my parents for it, I don't think they were selfish--but I do feel they were misguided. Now that I'm older, I have no nieces or nephews, my children (yes I have 2) have no aunts or uncles or cousins on my side. Material things mean nothing, a college education can be paid for with loans or scholarships. Or maybe your kid won't want to go to college at all. But a sibling is forever.

Posted by: Julie | May 06, 2008 16:28

I too have decided to have one child. Being young and still working my way through Pharmacy school, I find waiting till I have my permanent job and my own home it will be too late to have another. I dont want to have another child 6 years from now, when my daughter is 8 and there is such a big gap. Then she wont feel like a big sister but more of like a 2nd mommy. I know I did with the 10 year gap between me and my two younger siblings. It is a choice and a hard one to make for that matter. Kids are gifts, sometimes we are glad we have them, other times we wish for a few seconds we didnt. lol.

With pre-eclampsia, that is something very scary. Five years ago my sister in law almost died from it. She also had the baby 5 weeks early. She was swollen up like a balloon. And because she had to receive an emergency c-section, that set her back even more. When I visited her in the hospital 3 days after she gave birth. 3 days, we weren't allowed to see her until 3 days had passed! Thats how bad shape she was in! 3 years went by and my sister in law decided to have another baby. Scared of the risks of pre-eclampsia, she was worried to have another. But she took that chance! She did develop it again! This time she had the baby 2 months early. Both her and the baby spent a good amount of time in the hospital. Its a scary thing!

Posted by: Jennifer | May 15, 2008 18:42

How about a comment from a person who grew up with a sibling?

I had an older brother (2 years older) with whom I had nothing in common. He's not a bad guy, and I wish him well, but we were strangers who happened to live in the same house and share some DNA. As adults, we almost never speak, and we hardly recognize each other.

I've had more meaningful relationships with friends throughout the years. And again, he's a fine human being, we just have no connection to each other. My husband has a very similar relationship with his younger brother.

Siblings don't give anyone an automatic guarantee of a tight, loving relationship. That's certainly the ideal, but not the reality for all of us.

Do I feel bad about "depriving" my only child (3 years old) of a sibling? No way! If my husband and I ever decide to have another child, it will be a decision we make for us, not because we feel like we have to, and certainly not because we're having a baby for the sake of our kid.

Posted by: Isabel | Aug 01, 2008 13:47

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My Only Child

There can be only one.

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