Caroling with Mommy

"Fake Christmas Tree"
(sung to the tune of O Tannenbaum)

Fake Christmas Tree, Fake Christmas Tree!
I bought you today at Target.
Fake Christmas Tree, Fake Christmas Tree!
Just plug it in and forget it!

On sale today, I found you there,
Next to the Suave, the Schick and Nair!
Fake Christmas Tree, Fake Christmas Tree!
Just plug it in and forget it!

Fake Christmas Tree, Fake Christmas Tree!
It’s all completely pre-lit!
Fake Christmas Tree, Fake Christmas Tree!
Just plug it in and forget it!

I froze my ass too many times
At the cut-your-own farm in the pines
Fake Christmas Tree, Fake Christmas Tree!
I finally sold out big-time!

"O Come All Ye Losers"
(sung to the tune of O Come, All Ye Faithful)

O come, all ye losers, nosy and pathetic,
Come ye, O come ye to read our newsletter.
Come behold my family, so much better than yours;
O do come and adore us,
O do come and adore us,
O do come and adore us,
The Braggadocios.

Look, at the picture enclosed, oh look at how we’re perfect!
Look, at how my kids have achieved
So much more than yours.

Can you believe our shamelessness?
All written in the third person!

O do come and adore us,
O do come and adore us,
O do come and adore us,
The Braggadocios.

"Winter Wonderland"

Car horns honk.
Are you listening?
In the parking lot,
Folks are cursing.
A miserable sight!
We’re slipping tonight!
Driving in a winter wonderland.

Gone away is the parking.
At the mall, Christmas shopping.
We’re rolling the dice,
As we brave the black ice.
Driving in a winter wonderland.

We go inside and wait to see Santa,
While the baby fusses and cries.
He says: "Whatcha want?"
And I say, "Jeez, man,
Just get me outta this
Teeming human hell."

Later on, we’ll buy more crap
At Old Navy and at The Gap.
Then we’ll face unafraid
The bills to be paid
From shopping in a winter wonderland.

"The Christmas Song"

Checkbooks roasting on an open fire,
Jack Frost nipping at your nose.
Heating costs have grown so dire,
The folks all dress like Eskimos.

Everybody knows a turkey and some
Mistletoe help to make the season bright.
That’s if you can afford to feed
Your family with money so tight.

Kids know that Santa’s being cheap this year.
Forget the iPhones, Wiis and
Other crap so dear.
It’s back to Yahtzee,
Scrabble and Life,
Risk and Clue and Operation, you see.

And so, I’m offering this
Simple phrase to kids from one
To ninety-two.
Although it’s been said
Many times, many ways,
"Cheapie Christmas to you."

"Carol of the Batteries"
(sung to the tune of Carol of the Bells)

Hark, batteries
Costly batteries
All toys will say
Need them today

Katching katching katchong
That is their song
With joyful ring
Cash register-ing

All the boxes say
Need triple As
Buying more and more
Buying out the store

Get double As
For the toys today
Or you’ll be feeling scorn
On Christmas morn

From whiny kids
Look what you did!
Forgot the 9-volt ones!
Kids think you’re a dunce!

Merry Merry Merry Merry Christmas!
Merry Merry Merry Merry Christmas!
Power running out
Makes the kids pout
So let out a moan
And take out a loan
Katching katching katching…ka…ching!

"Frosty The Snowman"

Frosty the Snowman, was on TV last night.
And today the weather guy said, just our luck,
Schools are closed because it’s snowing today.
Frosty the Snowman inspired my kids to say
Oh mom we want to get dressed up warm
And play in the snow all day.

It must have taken us hours and hours
To find all the winter crap from last year.
The boots didn’t fit and the mittens had holes.
We were all pissed off and near tears.

Oh, Frosty the Snowman was the project of the day.
And the children said we will make his head
If you, Mom, make his body today.

Thumpety thump, thump, thumpety, thump thump,
Look at Mommy go!
Thumpety thump, thump, thumpety, thump thump,
Rolling that sumbitch on the snow.

Mommy the Martyr knew the sun was hot that day,
So I said, hurry it up, my snowy darlings, before Frosty melts away.
We finished up the snowman, and the kids lost interest fast.
Before I could find a carrot for the nose
They were back inside warming their toes.

I picked through the trail of soggy mittens and wet snow pants.
But the next day, hurray,
I waved goodbye and said,
Thank God, not another snow day today.

"I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus"

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus,
Underneath the mistletoe last night.
Instead of being asleep
She was boffing that big creep;
Santa’s laughing…ho, ho, ho.
He looks like he’s in deep.
Then
I saw Mommy tickle Santa Claus
Underneath his package so snowy white;
Oh
Let’s blame the Ambien
For that amnesia again;
She simply can’t remember last night.

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