Category Archives: Humor Essays

How to Kill a Spider like a Mom with Mad Skills

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My sons are constantly after me to remove spiders from their room. My preferred method is to use a glass to scoop the spider up and release him back into the cruel outdoor world of “kill or be killed”. However, until recently, I have not had an effective way to get spiders off of the ceiling. […]

A Good Goldfish Is a Dead Goldfish

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Death is a part of life. Sad, yet true. Four years ago the kids and I bundled up and headed to Wal-Mart, and with great merriment they pressed their faces up against the glass of the goldfish tank, oooing and ahhing at the half-dead offerings before them. I was oooing and ahhing, too, not at […]

Riding a Carnival Ride at My Age, Not a Good Idea

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Forget about trifocals, or sagging knees that lock each time I bend down to pick up the newspaper from the front steps every morning, or even being on a first name basis with my pharmacist (Hi, Wally!). He fills my prescriptions so often he swears he sees me more than he does his own kids. […]

Life’s Not Fair: A Valuable Lesson

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My son, Steven, comes out of the bathroom and finds me folding the wash. With his mouth open, his braces blocking my view, and his words garbled because he’s speaking with his finger pointing at something inside his mouth, he says, “See.” “See what?” “My tooth is gone,” he says. He reopens his mouth to […]

Men Are Warped in Their Own, Unique Way

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Men are warped in their own, unique way. That is not a newsflash. What never ceases to amaze me, however, is just how vast the crevasse that separates the sexes can be. Take monkeys for example. My husband, and father of our two children, couldn’t wait to tell me about the latest experiment he’d seen […]

Second Grade Political Correctness run Amok

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The other night I was reading a book about starfish to my youngest. As we counted the starfish’s fingers or whatever they are, he corrected me. “Mom, they’re not called starfish anymore. They are SEA STARS. Teacher said.” “Really?” “That’s what she said.” Hmm. I must have missed this. Who knew echinoderms would be the […]

My Preschooler Was Suspended for Having Explosive Poop

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My son recently earned himself a 48-hour suspension from preschool. It’s hard to imagine what sort of infraction an almost-two-year-old could commit that would merit such punishment. You’re probably mulling it over right about now and wondering what sort of hoodlum I’m raising. You’re probably wondering whether you should stop reading this right now, lest […]

Don’t Care That I Brought Sick Child to Play Date

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  Dear Play Date Parent, Good evening. If my watch is correct, by now you should be shin-deep in vomit and explosive diarrhea. Expect this to continue for another 8-12 hours before your child slips into a damp, angry, sticky stupor. If you are slightly suspicious of my ability to foreshadow your next 24 hours, […]

Toddler Calls Father by First Name

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Here is my quandary. My 3-year-old son has taken to calling me by my first name. I suspect he was up late one night and caught a viewing of To Kill a Mockingbird on AMC. But trust me, he’s no Scout. He doesn’t even own a pair of overalls, much less a giant papier-mâche ham. […]