Category Archives: Humor Essays

Doing Cartwheels When I See the School Bus Coming

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I love the school bus so much! It symbolizes freedom to me. I bow to thee.

To all the school bus drivers out there… you have NO IDEA how much you mean to me. I ask you, what parent isn’t positively gleeful when their precious cherubs finally don their Sponge Bob or Frozen backpacks to dutifully march down the driveway and climb aboard a big, yellow school bus for their first day of school?  I didn’t […]

Really Stupid Neighbors Are Convinced My Cat Gave Their Kid Rabies

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Really Stupid Neighbors Convinced My Cat Gave Their Kid Rabies

So, the saga of our severely fucked-up neighbor family continues. A couple of days ago, they knock on our door, grubby two-year-old in tow. The kids say he was scratched by our cat, and they’re taking him to the doctor for it. Yeah. It gets better. After they get home from their pediatrician’s office, they […]

First Grader Inquires Specifically about Bathroom Wall Language

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When my First Grader Inquires about Specific Bathroom Wall Language

  I’m not a prude about bad language. Not since third grade, anyway. But still I worry that if my kids learn about swearing, they’ll do it indiscriminately—pepper their conversations with “sh-ts” and “f*cks” and yell inappropriate phrases in the supermarket or at the park where littler kids (and their mothers) will hear. So I […]

10 Ways to Adequately Embarrass and Humiliate Your Kids

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10 Ways to Adequately and Effectively Embarrass Your Kids

It wasn’t enough that I had four children, they had to all be boys. Boys that peed in the neighbors’  yards and threw stuffed weasels at the new priest. Darling sons that “lost” their shorts during the Preschool Graduation and stopped strangers to tell about Grandma’s bra that “you could tie a knot in and throw […]

Children Are like Monkeys: They Both Fling Poop

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Monkey and kids are a lot alike: They both like to fling poop.

I am thirty-six and my husband, Greg, is forty. We have been married for over a decade, and love each other madly. We decided when we got married that, although a monkey would be a really fun pet to have, children would be easier to take care of. We felt that monkeys would be too […]

Kids and Dinner Time Chaos

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Kids and Dinner Chaos

The husband and I don’t get out much. Who in their right mind would volunteer to watch four kids? And God knows we’re too cheap to hire a sitter. We’ve pretty much surmised we’ll not have another grown-up outing until we’re wearing Depends. At least it’s something to look forward to — except the adult […]

Breaking up Monotony of Motherhood by Pretending

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When I was a child, I discovered a practical way to survive boring tasks. I would simply imagine myself somewhere else. While I constantly entertained myself, others were not amused. After each Grand Adventure, I would present my treasure (with its harrowing adventure) to the kind queen. Alas, the now villainous queen would not be […]

Short Walk with Children Was like a Test of Survival in the Wild

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A local paper recently published several dispatches from a literarily inclined adventurer. These mini-travelogues detailed his and a traveling companion’s rugged excursion down a long stretch of the Mississippi. Mosquitoes loomed large. Muck stuck canoes. Comfort food and lodging seemed a distant dream. With his words, he wove a vivid picture of sunsets and sore […]

My Son Broke His Arm on Vacation so We Ignored It

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There’s a code they must live by, boys, and that is if there’s a hotel bed jump on it. It isn’t their fault really because way back when they were in the womb and their brains were forming, the frontal lobe that controls reasoning and planning, that doesn’t complete its formation well into their twenties. So until then, they […]

Worst Mother of the Year Award Acceptance Speech

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The following is a transcript of this year’s “Worst Mother of the Year” awards banquet, featuring award winner Mrs. Christine Basham: Christine Basham: Thank you. I can’t say how honored I was to be nominated, and how surprised I am to have won. Apparently, there was some debate among the Committee. I had just bought […]