Be Careful What You Wish For…

I feel badly for women who complain to me about their husbands that don’t get up when the children wake in the middle of the night. My husband is really good about that. Here is an example:

Setting: Wee hours of the morning. Our Son, Tommy is screaming crying, my husband, Bruce, and the dog are snoring.

I get up to the realization that I have some awful sickness/flu again and proceed to go get our little guy who is wailing. I bring him downstairs, he is still sobbing, and check the fridge for a bottle already made. None. Open the cabinet to get a bottle. There are not any bottles to be found. With one hand, I fish out of the dishwasher all of the bottle parts, as Tommy is sobbing and slipping out of my other arm. I fill the bottle with water, add formula, assemble the top and put it on, shake it, and it goes everywhere. Dry myself and anything else I think might have gotten wet. Redo the top. All the while Tommy is screaming, slipping out of my one arm, and I’m doing all this with the other. Bottle made, in the dark, I get a bib out of the drawer and wrestle it on him while he screams and fights me. It’s on, we’re ready, I put the bottle to his lips and I hear Bruce at the top of the stairs.

Bruce: Do you need any help?

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Inner Maya: #*$)@*&

Maya: No.

Bruce: Is he okay?

Inner Maya: When I went into his room he had written in snot on the wall that he was okay but just felt like crying.

Maya: I’m not sure. No fever. Probably teething.

Bruce: Is he hungry?

Inner Maya: No, he’s siphoning formula from the bottle with plans to regurgitate it into one of his plastic play cups in case he gets hungry later.

Maya: I guess. He’s eating.

Bruce: Why do you think he’s hungry?

Inner Maya: According to my calculations, he ate 210 minutes ago. His intestines are approximately 17 feet long. The rate of travel of the formula through the intestines divided by the elapsed time could equate to forms of hunger he might be feeling.

Maya: Not sure.

Bruce: He’s probably teething. I noticed his front teeth coming in when I was changing his diaper.

Inner Maya: Where have you been the last week and a half?!

Maya: Yeah, I noticed that too.

Inner Maya: 2 weeks ago.

Bruce: Can I get you anything?

Inner Maya: Is this something you really want me to answer?

Maya: No.

Bruce: Are you sure?

Inner Maya: Let’s just say ‘No comment’.

Maya: The only thing would be the Orajel but I don’t know where it is.

Bruce: Is it in the cabinet over the kitchen desk?

Inner Maya: AM I NOT SPEAKING OUT LOUD?

Maya: I don’t know.

Bruce: Don’t you think that might be where it is?

Inner Maya: Thank you for reminding me that I have x-ray vision…aha…I see though the cabinet door…nope, not there.

Maya: Not sure. Never mind, he’s asleep now.

Inner Maya: Thanks for keeping me company via an interrogation while I gave him his bottle.

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