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How to Get LaidDads, there is nothing sexier than doing the dishes... except vacuuming |
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There was a time when I fantasized about my husband coming home, grabbing me lustfully, throwing me on the bed (or the table or the kitchen counter) and making wild, monkey love to me. This is not one of those times. Men listen up. If you want to get laid there are a few things you should know. First off, nothing is sexier than doing the dishes, except vacuuming. Really! Nothing fills me with lust more than a clean house that I didn’t have to clean. So please, instead of grabbing your woman’s breasts (which have most likely been fondled and suckled enough by your offspring), grab a broom. Second, mentioning how rarely you get any is not a turn on. I know that might seem strange, but it’s true! If anyone should be complaining, it is probably your woman. I can only imagine how horny mamas across the country might get if their partners came home and not only asked how they were doing, but really listened to what they had to say. So guys, shut up and listen! Third, be grateful for any sex that you get. I know a woman whose husband actually said the following: “You can bring the baby in our bed since we never have sex anymore.” This woman not only works from home while caring for two children, she fornicates with her husband two or three times a week! I say if you are getting it once a month you ought to count your lucky stars. Fourth, try touching your wife in a non-sexual manner. Think of it as reverse psychology. A woman likes to be touched for the sake of being touched, to know she’s loved. Make affection a part of your daily routine, not just a part of foreplay. After nursing, feeding, changing, carrying, snuggling, and entertaining your offspring all day, a sexual advance by you (no matter how wonderful you are) might seem unappealing. Your chances of getting laid will probably increase if you give your woman a hug or a backrub instead of a grope. Fifth, be ready and willing at all times. I know our culture equates sex with the bedroom and people are in the bed at night, but most mamas are way too exhausted by the end of the day to want to do anything except sleep. So fellas, be prepared to be late to work, skip lunch, miss the game, or drop your drawers on a moment’s notice. The opportunity may be fleeting. And for the love of your woman, let her sleep! And finally, if you really want some wild, monkey love, get a babysitter. Better yet, be the babysitter. Take the kids out somewhere. Entertain them all day while your woman does whatever the hell she wants to do. Don’t be smug about it. Make it look enjoyable. Be the sexy do-it-all-daddy. She’ll be all over you in no time. |
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1. Kris
Jul 10, 2006 02:41
Hey, you stole my line!!! I just started doing comedy and I use that a lot...I didn't realize it wasn't original!!!! My husband and I were surfing the net as a joke and after sex this sex that I put in wife wants to get laid by husband and you popped up...no pun intended...Jsut thought i'd drop you a line!2. Sean
Jul 22, 2006 12:27
I say if you are getting it once a month you ought to count your lucky stars."Women should thank God they don't have the sex-drive roaring in their heads that straight men have! Only getting sex 2-3 times a week still sucks.
-It's also fun to turn the tables and turn her down from time-to-time! How's it feel to be the horny one now honey!
I wish I was the one with all this POWER to decide when we do and don't have sex!
3. Sonia
Jan 12, 2007 13:34
Thanks for putting this in such eloquent words. I just emailed it to my husband.We're going through fertility treatments, which means I'm on loads of hormones, so our usual 2-3 times a week has fluctuated to "whenever I'm not ready to b*tch slap anyone" (translated to about 4 times a month). I do feel 'sad' for my husband, but seriously, playing with a two year old all day and cleaning up after everyone really puts a woman OUT of the mood.
I'm getting all hot and bothered just THINKING about the hubby cleaning the bathroom!
4. A Different Michelle
Oct 04, 2007 17:42
Wonderful advice! Clean the house you dumb apes! Just kidding.The nonsexual touch is a big one too. Men just don't get that sometimes we mothers will get to a point where if one more thing needs something from us, we will scream. So a request for sex can be downright offensive.
Especially when he just starts shaking his weiner at you and thinks you'll get turned on by it. I say pull out that vacuum cleaner!
5. Malcolm Smith
Nov 01, 2007 22:44
OMG!! Have you written anything else I should know about Miss Greenberg? That is how I like to ne told how it is!!! It soaks right into this tinny little brain of mine as if you knew exactly what you were talking about!! Great Read!! MRS6. Beverly Schweigert
Dec 31, 2007 15:03
Oh my gosh, that was wonderful!!!!7. Er
Jan 03, 2008 12:34
hmm... Be nice = Get Laid?Is this where all men are to jump up and down grunting ugh ugh ugh while pounding our chests like cavemen?
Perhaps my feminine side has always been there to help me get laid at anytime or maybe it's the fact that my wife is ready for an adult encounter just as much as I am after wiping butts and noses all day long.
Be nice guys and appreciate her. Getting laid isn't a how to or step by step process, it's what we all want even the moms.
8. crapcrapcrapcrap
Feb 10, 2008 19:48
First off, I do the dishes , vacuum the floors, scrub the bathroom, do the laundry, maintain the cars, do the lawn work, pay the bills and keep a budget. If I didn't do these chores they wouldn't get done and I'd be living in the poor house that looks like a pig sty. I also work a full time high stress job. So don't boo who to me about how tired or stressed you are to make love to your man. And NEVER EVER tell your man to be grateful for any sex that he might get from you. He just might find it somewhere else...and maybe already does!-the husband
9. AnaBanana
Feb 22, 2008 20:44
I'm with Sean and crapcrapcrapcrapcrap on this one. And I'm a woman.This constant and frankly outdated drivel about men who are inept around the house and don't pitch in is horsehockey. Sex isn't on a point system either. Meh, this one just really bothers me; to all you men like my husband who do most of the work, don't even complain, and have always more than pulled your weight? Kudos, and I hope you start getting lots of nookie :) I'll do my part with my own hubby tonight ;)
10. Juliet
May 22, 2008 14:59
This made me laugh out loud. I can't decide if I should send it to my husband or not, but it definitely brightened MY day!11. A real man
Jul 05, 2008 01:43
HAHAHA.... This article cracks me up... Let me speak for all the real men out there. First and foremost, most men in todays society do just as much as women and many times they do MUCH MORE. I keep a full time job, am the ONLY one who gives my wife a "break" from watching the kids, clean the house, dishes, and do at least 50% of the household chores along with all the "man" stuff (yard, maintenance, cars, trash)Now to my point, Men, if your not getting it at home, go elsewhere. period. don't worry about it! with the bullshit that men endure these days (perfect example THIS ARTICLE) we deserve more. We are expected to conform to this "shared responsibility" but in reality its just loading a man with 75% and leaving the woman with 25%. So there's no reason for a mother/wife to not be "in the mood." So my point is, if you do as much as your wife around the house, you work, you do all the "man" chores, and shes holding out.. find you another 20 something hottie with a sex drive and get busy. If men didn't do everything expected of them what would your woman do? So get yours men.. you deserve it!!!
12. garyhun
Oct 08, 2009 02:10
I wouldn't agree with you on many grounds. Humanbeings are different. If a woman hates sex, no matter what the man does, he wouldn't get laid. That is a sad life for man, but we can't blame the woman because she does not want sex.