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WTF?! Toy RoundupGooey Louie, Security Camera, Fairly Oddparents, and Slimecano |
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 Gooey Louie Gameby Pressman Toy -- $12.99 You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, but unfortunately you can't pick the gifts grandma buys for little Timmy. Pull boogers out of Louie's nose (and judging by the look on Louie's face, he seems to have some sort of fetish for this), until someone grabs the one attached to one of his nose hairs and SPROING! his brains fly out of his head. Sweet, huh? A lot of hard work and green, leafy substance went into the design of this "game". There's not much more to... wait a minute -- is there a sex toy sticking out of Louie's head?!  Security Camera - Touch Padby Summit Financial Products, Inc. -- $19.99 How often have your kids nagged you with, "Mommy, mommy, can we play pretend convenience store?" Sure kids, and to get you started, here's your very own security camera! Hey, maybe we're being a little harsh poking fun, this might be kind of cool -- you can mount it in the backyard, perhaps spy on people walking by the house. Guess it transmits to a wireless receiver hooked to the t.v. or something... huh? What's that? What do you mean it doesn't really work? You just mount it to the wall, and it makes noise when someone walks by it? See, this is the type of toy you can expect from a company called "Summit Financial Products". How about this for a slogan on the box, guys? "Every child will want to put this in their bedroom and pretend they're Winston Smith from 1984! Big Brother not included." The Ministry of Truth declares this toy doubleplusungood.  Fairly Odd Parents Mini Playsetby Flying Colors -- $7.99 These are kind of cute figurines, and according to the box they are magnetized so all of the little accessories stick to them. Wand, book, hammer(?), neat idea having them attach to their little hands, right? Sucker. Inexplicably, the only magnetic part of this toy is its face. Blink, blink. OHMYGOD, WHO IS COMING UP WITH THESE TOYS AND HOW MUCH EXACTLY DO THEY GET PAID?!? Looking at the back of the package, apparently the "play" involves throwing these small objects at the characters head. Yucks all around. Although after watching this inane show a few times, maybe this one is designed for the parents.  Hot Wheels Slimecanoby Mattel -- $49.99 The scene? The Mattel R & D Department. The objective? Design a toy so incredibly heinous that every single parent that purchases it will feel like the world's biggest chump. "OK everybody, let's see what we've come up with so far. Designed so 99% of cars won't work with this, yet don't include any in the box? Check. Has to be assembled from 40 parts? Check. Include vague diagrams of the parts in the instructions so they all look the same? Check. Parts fall apart after little play? Check. Hmmmm.... what are we missing.... oh yes, the slime that oozes out of the top and down the entire front, with no discernable means to get the slime back into the top, as well as having to completely clean it after each use or the slime dries out. Yes, Johnson?" "How about if we put red dye in the slime, so that it stains every possible porous surface it comes in contact with?" "Brilliant. You're thinking outside the box, Johnson. Yes, McGreevey?" "We've had some reports that the red dye we currently use irritates the skin and causes burning and itching." "And on that note, ladies and gentlemen, I think we have a winner." |
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1. Julianne
Jan 29, 2007 17:46
And I thought our firetruck with the siren that never stops was bad... Criminy. Who's shopping for these kids?My son (4) did want the Ben 10 Alien Laboratory RV (yes, the name itself is a huge red flag) and I had the foresight NOT to get it. Kudos to me!
2. a REAL toy reviewer
Jan 06, 2009 15:49
wow...... you know if you have to be a real toy reviewer you got to stop being dramatic like SUCKER or BLINK BLINK and OHMYGOD, WHO IS COMING UP WITH THESE TOYS AND HOW MUCH EXACTLY DO THEY GET PAID?!? wow you dont know much of reviewing do you sick piece of shit