Whose Poop Is This?

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I’ve become a shit archaeologist.

By Margaret Curran

Photo: Steve Cady

When you mix together three kids and two dogs, you’ve got a recipe for copious amounts of unidentified shit. You’d think by now I could tell who left what shit where, but that’s not the case. Let me give you some examples…

I’m attempting to potty train my son Jason. I’ve resorted to letting him run around diaper-less while trying to monitor him, putting him on the potty when he displays ‘defecation behavior’ (the white-knuckled gripping of any sturdy surface while squatting and grunting like a feral monkey). I can tell you from experience that this method of potty training doesn’t work when you’re a single mother. There’s way too much going on to follow a bare-assed baby around the house.

Fifteen minutes into my new experiment, I found him in the closet naked from the waist down, pointing to a big pile of crap. He had a terrified look on his face – apparently he was frightened of his own shit. I was forced to ask the obvious question:

“Whose poop is this?”

Okay, I didn’t really ask, I yelled it at the top of my lungs while Jason clung mightily to my leg. I looked down and realized that the remainder of his clandestine crap was dangling from his ass. That was all the evidence I needed to pin it on him.

Not long after my failed potty training experiment, another turd appeared on my dining room floor. This time I knew it wasn’t the baby, as he was properly diapered and enjoying his mid-afternoon nap.

“Whose poop is this?” I yelled from the dining room.

Based on the stench and consistency I could tell it was recently deposited. I’m skilled at differentiating fresh shit from old, petrified shit. I’ve seen enough loads of crap in various settings that I’ve become a fucking shit archaeologist.

Both of my girls came running into the dining room. Jillian, my six year old daughter, piped in:

“I swear to God, Mom, it wasn’t me!”

"Well, dear", I thought, "I certainly hope it wasn’t you. You’re fucking six years old and if you’ve taken to randomly shitting on my dining room floor, we’ve got bigger problems than this here pile of crap."

I saw the puppy skulk by; his tail was suspiciously planted between his hairy little legs. He’s been nothing but a shit machine since the day we took him home. What was I thinking when I brought another living, breathing thing into my house that couldn’t control its own bodily functions?

As any good mother would do, I ordered my kids to pick it up. But I should have said "clean it up" because to them, "pick it up" meant just pick up the pile and dump it in the toilet, not wipe the floor underneath the pile.

Later on, I happened by the seldom-used upstairs bathroom. The smell coming out of that room was beyond revolting and, being a somewhat responsible mother, I was obligated to make sure there wasn’t a dead body hidden in the linen closet.

I discovered I would have preferred the dead body.

I peered into the toilet and screamed:

“Whose poop is this?”

Jason, who had recently taken to mimicking my screaming tirades, repeated my words in his baby talk.

“Oohs oop is dis?”

At 2 1/2 he still doesn’t speak well. When his speech impediment is coupled with the bad haircut he got from his father’s blind barber, he reminds me of Curious George without the fur.

Jillian sheepishly bowed her head and denied the shit was hers. Under a scathing and skilled cross-examination, she finally confessed.

“It’s my poop, mom. I didn’t flush it because I was afraid it would clog the toilet and flood the bathroom.”

Really? I have two children who have shit-related fears? How peculiar…

“Tell me, Jill, exactly when did you deposit this load in the toilet?”

“When it came out of my bum.” She answered innocently.

“No, Jill, how many days ago did you do this?”

“Oh, two. I think. Maybe three.”

“You ‘think’? You ‘think’ you took a shit two, maybe three, days ago and didn’t flush it due to flooding concerns? This pile of putrid crap has been floating in this toilet for two full days? And nobody who inhabits this floor of my house has seen it or even thought about straining their grubby little hand by pushing the handle and getting rid of it? That’s a load of crap!”

Jill piped up again.

“Um, mommy, you shouldn’t say ‘crap’. My teacher says you should use the polite word for poop, which is ‘feeshes’.

Fuck your teacher – she’s a shit head.

“Jill, it’s pronounced ‘feces’ and I don’t care what your teacher calls it, would it be so hard to flush your own shit down the toilet?” I screamed.

Jason stood behind me, in full mimic mode:

“Ood it eeee so aard to ush ur on it own da doilet?” he bellowed while wildly flailing his baby arms above his Curious George head.

I ignored my monkey baby. Through clenched teeth, I ordered her to flush the toilet. My stomach lurched as I realized that something was missing from that bowl. Something should have been floating alongside the offending blob of shit. But the shit stood alone.

There was no toilet paper in there!

Not only had she left two-day-old shit in my toilet, she hadn’t even had the decency to wipe her ass when she finished! My kids are pigs! They get it from their father’s side of the gene pool.

A few hours later, I noticed a foreign pile of shit in the middle of the kitchen floor. I approached the offending mound, attempting to identify the culprit prior to making any accusations. This was where my archaeological shit training came in handy.

“Okay, whose shit is this?”

I was done with using the word ‘poop’. This pile of shit had put me over the edge. It was the shit that broke the camel’s back.

All three of my kids scrambled to attention at the kitchen door. The girls were trying to cover up their devious smiles. Jason was running at full speed, heading straight for the unfamiliar poo.

“Eeewww!” he screeched.

“Ooose it is dis?”

"Nicely done Jason" I thought. He was finally expanding his vocabulary. See, I am a good mother.

I looked over at the girls and they were laughing uncontrollably. Jill ran over to the shit (oh, excuse me, "feeshes") and scooped it up with her bare hand. I flinched in horror as she held it out toward me, as if offering me a cookie.

“Mama, it’s fake poop! We tricked you!”

I stared at the rubber crap in Jill’s hand and I did the only thing I could do -- I laughed so hard I cried. My girls may have inherited their hygiene habits from their father, but it was then I realized they got my sense of humor.

As punishment for freaking out their mother with faux feces, I banished them to the backyard to perform the most dreaded chore in the entire world -- dog doody duty. I even sent the baby out there with them. He was surprisingly talented when it came to finding the dog shit piles.

I stood at the kitchen window, smirking to myself and watching proudly as my little guy ran from shit stack to shit stack screaming:

“Otay, ooos it is dis?"

That’s my little monkey…

Margaret Curran a single mother of three kids and two dogs. She writes for enjoyment as well as to embarrass her children.

57 Responses to "Whose Poop Is This?"

1. Jessica

May 01, 2008 16:41

Love your writing, keep at it! This one still makes me laugh out loud! I love Jason's voice!

2. robin hoffman

May 03, 2008 09:37

absolutely hilarious.

3. karen

May 05, 2008 21:25

margie, Absolutely funny! I always knew you were funny, but that is hysterical, and so true! Karen C.

4. Karen

May 14, 2008 13:28

"Mom, what are you laughing at?"

"Poop."

Brilliant.

5. Dawndela

Aug 20, 2008 01:38

OMG, that is too funny. I could see my kids doiing the exact same thing. Monkies, all of them.

6. SupaW

Aug 20, 2008 12:10

What a CRAP story!!

7. Gyoza

Aug 20, 2008 13:41

That was the funniest thing I've read in a while. They never tell you the "poop" part of parenting before you have kids!

8. Andrew

Aug 20, 2008 15:38

ha ha, cute post. Thanks for entertaining me a bit while at work.

9. Heather

Aug 20, 2008 19:07

oh, this is too funny! I laughed till I cried - My 6 year old has given me the same excuse about not flushing.

10. Blondie Writes

Aug 20, 2008 19:23

This is the best story I have ever read. LMAO. Great story.

11. cin

Aug 20, 2008 23:33

OH-MY-GOD! I love you! My kids are all freaked out, "mom what's wrong, why you crying?" They won't believe me I'm laughing. I don't even want to know how much of that you embellished because I choose to believe that every last F bomb is the truth. Bless you.

12. Heatherl

Aug 21, 2008 03:48

Oh shit...this is one fo the funniest thing I have read in a long time. My stomach is hurting from laughing.

Great piece of writing!

13. Susan

Aug 21, 2008 09:44

Hilarious! Reminds me of the time my 3-year old son (who is one of a set of triplets) was naked from the waist down when I was trying to give his diaper rash "some air" as the doctor claimed that was the best way to get rid of it. While dancing across the living room, he pooped and just kept on going, completely oblivious to his own defecation.

Within moments of my screaming to his brother and sister, "Don't go near that poop," his brother stepped in it. I scooped up my first son and put him on the toilet in case any more poop was on its way and ran back to pick up the poop and clean my other son's foot.

But where was the poop? The only thing in its place was a small stain on the carpet.

I yelled, "Where's the poop?" but both my son and daughter simply looked at me with no response.

Then I heard the jingle of the dog's collar and realized where the poop had gone. Suffice it to say, the dog got a very thorough tooth brushing! She did make clean up of the floor a lot easier though! :)

14. Recruiting Services

Aug 21, 2008 10:14

Great article. I better get a move on training my one year old puppy. He's destroying all of my carpets =(

15. 'Lissa

Aug 21, 2008 11:50

LMFAO!!! Oh that sounds so like me! I'm not in the potty training stage yet, but it's coming soon!

16. Claire

Aug 21, 2008 12:03

I'm writing this with tears of laughter in my eyes! thank you, that was hysterical!

17. yeomanpip

Aug 21, 2008 15:51

Hahaha brilliant!
Long time since My kids were potty trained, luckily I wasn't a single parent then.
But, one of my daughters, who is a single parent, has a little boy just about coming up to potty training.

Here we go again.

Keep up the good work.

18. Mommy Smith

Aug 21, 2008 17:09

:D I love this. I love that my 2 yr old isn't the only one who swears.

19. Dee

Aug 21, 2008 17:57

"Otay, ooos it is dis?"

The kids are thankfully too old to be culprits. We do, however, have a new kitten. We know "OOO" de sit belongs to. We just can't find the damn thing! Margaret,do you hire your archaeological skills out to others???

Dee

20. Jan Ochs

Aug 22, 2008 14:45

OMG!!! I screamed with laughter with tears rolling down my eyes and almost choked on the sandwich I was lunching on! I advised my Mom to read it with an empty mouth, because I didn't want to have to give her the Heimlich.

21. Daddy

Aug 22, 2008 15:30

So funny. I found this post on StumbleUpon and haven't stopped laughing. Great post.

22. Bonnie

Aug 22, 2008 21:30

OMG your great....

23. Veronica

Aug 22, 2008 23:43

This was effin funny, thanks for the good laugh!!

24. Anthony

Aug 25, 2008 00:20

I *REALLY* hope for your kids sake you don't talk to them like that. Thats horrible.

25. Hyla

Aug 26, 2008 18:08

I think this has got to be the funniest blog post I have read in a long time! I have 3 kids, 2 in diapers, I dread potty training them. Luckily though no animals to deal with. Love the fake poop!!

26. Katie-Anne

Aug 29, 2008 06:40

This is one of the funniest things I've read in a long time.

Katie-Anne

27. morninglight mama

Aug 29, 2008 14:01

This is quite possibly the funniest shit I've ever read about, um, shit. You have definitely gained yourself a new reader. (hmmm... what does that say about me???)

28. laura

Aug 31, 2008 20:31

is the foul language really necessary..it would have been funnier if you had made it humourous, You made it sound like you cant stand your kids. Is that Christian?

29. prescott

Aug 31, 2008 21:00

"You made it sound like you cant stand your kids. Is that Christian?"

No, Laura, it's human. And if you're offended by "foul language" you're most definitely at the wrong site.

30. Cam

Sep 02, 2008 07:39

Oh man I have not laughed so hard for ages. I'm a Dad of 4 and experience more feeshes than I would like. Great article Margaret.

31. obsteve

Sep 02, 2008 12:22

Author writes "I found him in the closet naked from the waist down, pointing to a big pile of crap. He had a terrified look on his face – apparently he was frightened of his own shit. I was forced to ask the obvious question: “Whose poop is this?” Okay, I didn’t really ask, I yelled it at the top of my lungs while Jason clung mightily to my leg."

Am I the only one who finds this image, and indeed the whole story a little disturbing? What might make a child scared of his own shit? What might the long term effects of that fear be? Is it normal or acceptible for a 2 year old to begin mimicking his mother's screaming tirades?

Perhaps I'm over sensitive, but I think there is a lot of sadness and pain behind this ostensibly comic tale.

32. Erin

Sep 04, 2008 00:23

Man. This has GOT TO BE the FUNNIEST, most relatable (I realize that this is actually not a word, but it should be, damn it.) parenting blog I've EVER read. This is just pure brilliance. I was cracking up and nodding my head the entire time.
Thank God that there is actually another mother out there who uses profanity. I swear, as good as the blogs I've read may be, I was about to shoot myself if I ever saw another cutesy "The poo-poo that Timmy left on the floor just smelled of flowers" blog I was gonna shoot myself.
Thanks for this. You've just earned a reader.

33. Dawn Curran

Sep 06, 2008 10:59

This is the funniest thing that I have ever read. I shared it with my husband and he laughed so hard he had tears streaming down his face. Thank you for bringing so much laughter to our frustrated lives.

34. Reservoir Dad

Sep 09, 2008 19:41

Very funny story. I put my hand up to apply for funding for the development of genetically modified shitless babies.

Reservoir Dad

35. Clare

Sep 10, 2008 07:51

I also found this on StumbleUpon - it's absolutley fantastic... I nearly wet myself laughing at this!!

36. Helen

Sep 11, 2008 08:35

Lmao, that is sooooooo true. I have a cat, dog and an 8 year old. After recently moving and suddenly finding piles of poop in various locations around the house the dog has been banished to the bathroom (vinyl floor :-) ) every day, having ruled out the 8 year old lol I assumed a poop free carpet ...... WRONG ..... my 13 year old cat who has never before joined in with this pastime has suddenly decided it's easier to 'do' it where ever he is and not pop outside to use garden. Thing is I thought I was a good 'poop archaelogist' before, obviously knowing the difference between cat and dog poop..... ah wel!!! Cat is now banished outside and dog still in bathroom during the day and the 8 year old - well she still 'forgets' to flush sometimes.....thanks for making me feel less of a freaky mom and making me lol....

37. Jennifer

Sep 12, 2008 02:07

HA! I really thought that mine was the only house where that sentence was uttered.

I love this. ;)

38. momof3&2dogs

Sep 12, 2008 23:40

I'll drink to that!!

39. sheri

Sep 13, 2008 21:32

OH MY GOD this is so DAMN funny!!! And soooooo true!

40. WAHM Tara

Sep 15, 2008 00:00

This is hilarious. It sounds like my house.

41. Super Woman

Nov 09, 2008 17:46

That post was HILARIOUS! Thanks for the great laugh. And I'm sorry that your life is so full of shit that you have to ask whose it is more than once a month. ;) Good luck to you, sweetheart!

42. Barnegat Blummis

Nov 12, 2008 16:42

"Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward."
---Barnegat Blummis

43. Amber

Nov 13, 2008 12:58

Oh, how funny. I just found this. About your blind barber..not more than 45 min. ago my 3 yo. decided to give himself a haircut. His hair now looks like I cut it while I was drunk with scrapbook edgy scissors. AND on the poop thing...20 min. after that..he decided to poop, where i don't know where. All I know is it was on a box in the living room, on the floor and in the bathroom was a bigger sized 4wheeler toy with poop all over the tires. I guess since it is cold here, he thought poop was a good substitute for dirt. And no poop was not the word I used to yell, "Why did you wipe poop all over, you are suppose to poop in the toilet.!!!" Then I had to go do the around the house poop search to see where else it was at.
You are a good writer. I laughed my ass off. And props to the girls and the fake poop. To funny!!

44. Mathew

Jan 07, 2009 00:03

Holy CRAP! I have 2&3 yr old boys and this is exactly what I have been fearing for months now - both of them potty training now and I too deal with much too much poop on a daily basis. All I can say is thank God for wood floors.

45. maggie madison

Jan 07, 2009 20:02

OK This is the funniest damn thing I read lately. I am linking this from my blog. I can only hope to write about something as gross as this one day.

46. Heather Schaad

Mar 02, 2009 18:27

I have not laughed this hard in a LONG time! Thanks for sharing!

47. stevie

Mar 11, 2009 11:08

I have to say I love you. I have recently started poop training my first-at almost three years old. It has become so stressful for both of us that he has a huge chuck of shit stuck in his intestines and is now on colace, since he has (I have no idea HOW) a fear of pooping. It has made our daily routine become cleaning his bed of watered down poop, laundry, hosing him off in the shower and inspecting every inch of his room where he walked after pooping.

Hopefully the chunk will pass nicely.

Without me losing my freaking mind.

48. Ashley B.

Apr 01, 2009 02:40

I stumbled upon this lovely little story at about 2 a.m., and then proceeded to laugh so hard I woke my husband up, he is not happy. I just thought i'd let you know..and I am now a constant reader! Thanx!

49. Ray Hewit

Apr 10, 2009 11:40

I feel for you Ms. Curran. We have six kids, three dogs, four cats, fish and a turtle and my life as a scatologist has been nearly unending for 19 years. I'll pray for a shit-free existence for you.

50. Linh

Apr 11, 2009 05:48

Oh lord. I've not laughed harder in a long time.

51. Tash

Apr 29, 2009 23:28

Absolutely fantastic story...hadme in tears the whole way through. Stand up comedian mother for sure lol

52. Melanie

Jun 04, 2009 05:20

Oh my god, I laughed so much reading this, you have a brilliant way of writing... absolutely hilarious!!!

53. LilliMa

Jun 19, 2009 13:42

This is so, so funny I bookmarked it to read whenever I've lost my sense of humor.

54. cheri

Jul 31, 2009 03:17

omg. laughing so hard tears...can't wake the baby...boyfriend now thinks i'm retarded. quality story telling.

55. Fjord83

Sep 10, 2009 22:24

Wow, what a great mother you are, swearing in front of your children, I'm glad they have such a great role model to look up to. That being said, FUNNY AS HELL!!! (What parent doesn't swear in front of their kids eventually)?

56. Summer

Oct 14, 2009 16:12

Loved this! I laughed so hard I almost cried!
Great Job!

57. Ashley

Mar 10, 2010 22:21

Oh my god, that was the funniest thing I've ever read. I've read it twice now and I couldn't breathe from laughing/crying so hard!

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