How To Be Friends With A Working MotherA primer. |
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Hmmm. To this I say: Of course it makes you crazy. That’s the bloody point. It’s boot camp, hazing and hell week combined. All you have to do is make eye contact with another mom who’s going through it and you know you’re looking at a soul mate, a member of the club of warrior women. Some of us stay-at-homes secretly feel that if you’re not at home questioning your sanity and every life choice you’ve made to date, it’s just not fair. You shouldn’t get to be a mother without feeling crazy, bored, frustrated, overmedicated and like you’ve given up on yourself. Besides, if you’re not being driven crazy by motherhood, then how can you possibly fulfill its most basic tenet: passing your neuroses onto your children? It’s a mother’s sacred duty. If we don’t have any mental illnesses ourselves, how can our children inherit? It’s the craziness you get from your mom which makes the world go ‘round. Think about it. The world would be lacking most of its great literature if all of the writers had had sane mothers. Not to mention that the entire fields of psychiatry, ice cream manufacturing and pharmacology would collapse as well. So you’re doing the world a favor by staying home with your kids. Think of it that way. I say it’s no fair that you get to go to work and have a jolly old time all day talking to adults who don’t spit food at you. You have the paid help break up the fights between your kids and negotiate whose turn it is to be Luigi and whose turn it is to be Mario, then you waltz in at 7pm and have the kids actually happy to see you. You do your fifteen-minute quality-time requirement and you’re done. No fucking fair! It’s like the woman who ran the New York City marathon by ducking into a subway in Brooklyn and emerging near the Central Park finish line. Yeah, I know this is a gross oversimplification. I know that working moms will be outraged at this callous treatment of their busy lives. But hey, I speak for the stay-at-homes who have heard themselves referred to as the “muffia” by working mothers who suppose we do nothing but bake muffins all day. So cry me a river, Ms. Have-It-All. Hey, calm down. I’m kidding. I suppose this whole working vs. stay-at-home motherhood comparison has grown tiresome. Maybe we should band together and start a revolution. Fight for the respect all mothers deserve! Fight against our culture of materialism that keeps us on the treadmill! Fight against the corporate mentality that crushes any human need in its path! If you get anywhere with this, let me know. Meanwhile, I’m going to stay the course. Maybe the stay-at-home craziness will lead me to some higher mental place. I’m still hoping. I glimpse nirvana occasionally, like the one time my son opened a granola bar wrapper all by himself and I was there to witness it. Occasionally the workies will slip here and there. The P.C. guard will be dropped. One of my working friends mentioned a mutual acquaintance that decided to stay home with her kids. The conversation went a little something like this: “Can you see Ann as a STAY-AT-HOME MOTHER?” “Well, yes, I can. Why not?” It’s amusing to see the backpedaling commence. “Oh, well, I mean, it’s just that she’s so smart...” “Meaning?” “Umm…hey look over there! Nordstrom’s having a shoe sale!” Ohhhhkay. So how do us stay-at-home freaks deal with this? You still like your friend and want to remain loyal, even if she does have a nice manicure, hair that has been brushed recently and a savings account. The temptation is to give her a guilt trip. You want to describe all the enriching, bonding experiences you have had with your kids. Play up the fact that you dropped off the forgotten lunchbox at school and how happy your child was that you were there for him. Describe the wonderful hours whiled away at the library reading Go, Dog, Go. Just don’t mention the scolding you gave your kid for forgetting his lunch, thereby blowing the tender moment, or that you had to pull your hysterical child out of the library after you were asked to leave. But anyway, that guilt-trip induction technique is small minded. Don’t stoop to that level, no matter how tempting. Remember, your friend thinks about things like meetings, PDAs and business lunches, so you have to speak her language. Playgroups can be renamed status meetings. The PTA bake sale can become a business lunch, if you grab an oatmeal muffin and eat it on the spot. Go ahead and get a Palm Pilot if it helps and you don’t mind looking like a supreme dork in front of the other stay-at-homes. One mother I know actually had business cards printed. Her title? “Mother of Susannah and Jordan” (yes, some of us are that desperate for respect). Be creative. Your working friend’s ears will perk up. She will actually listen to you with the respect paid to a functioning member of society instead of regarding you as a curious object of pity. One technique that really hurts no one, except your own mortal soul, is to shamelessly engage in schadenfreude. Quietly gloat when she complains that her kid is angry and having trouble socially because he resents the time his mother spends at work. Enjoy your feelings of mothering superiority. Never mind that your own kids are just as fucked up and you have no one to blame but yourself. Also, beware the parenting gods. Judge not other mothers lest you too be judged and smited. Or smote. There will be a plague upon your house. You know I’m talking about: Strep Throat striking on a Sunday Morn, six-foot snowdrifts and a broken DVD player. So gloating is out. Instead, try pretending you are a working woman who occasionally uses her brain for something other than sniffing her toddler’s butt to ascertain if he farted or took a dump. Drop the kids off with a neighbor for a few hours. Go home, shower and shave your legs. And not just your ankles that stick out of your capris. Lose the toothpaste-stained tee shirt and put on grown-up clothes. Ride the train into the city carrying a vat of Starbucks and a New York Times. Look at your watch a lot and speak into your cell phone. “No, that won’t work. It’s a crazy week. I’ve got deadlines up the wazoo.” Notice the dead eyes of the beaten commuters around you and ask yourself if this is what you really want after all. When everyone else gets off the train in the city just turn around and ride back home. Maybe you’ll feel better. If nothing else works, remind yourself that staying at home with your children is just a passing stage. It’s hard to believe now but the rest of your life really does not resemble the classic perspective lesson. You know, the one with the vanishing point on the horizon and nothing but emptiness and hopelessness ahead. There really will be a time when Edvard Munch’s “The Scream” no longer feels so familiar. Try to believe it when old-timers tell you that kids grow up so fast. After all, it’s hard to believe your baby is five years old already. Hasn’t the time just flown by? Doesn’t it seem like, well, five years ago that he was born? So for what it’s worth we will be able to look back and say we were there for our kids. We saw it all. The first steps, the smiles at school pickup time, the warm cuddliness of their bodies after nap. Even though it made us crazy, we were present, unless we count the hours we spent hiding from them in the john and sobbing. |
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1. jim
Jun 04, 2006 21:24
Mothers who work outside the home do irreparable damage to their children, particularly their sons. My mother worked outside the home back when most middle class mothers didn't and it has screwed me up for life. I resented the fact that she was never there when I got up in the morning, was never there when I got home from school, never stayed home to care for me when I was sick, and did not give me the love and affection I needed. I will likely take my own life someday as a result of the pain which endures. If a woman isn't going to stay home and care for her children then she should refrain from having them. Working mothers are the scum of the earth.2. Courtney Blaylock
Jun 12, 2006 14:30
Okay, dude, you have serious problems and this is probably not the appropriate forum. It's a shame you blame your poor mother for your f-ed up problems.3. Michelle
Jul 07, 2006 14:13
Let's not forget about those other working moms-those who don't have the incredible luxury of deciding to stay home. Some have to decide between staying home and actually feeding the baby. We feel incredibly guilty, yes. Are we doing harm to our children? Probably. Would it be worse to stay at home (providing that you could have a home with no money) and have no health insurance, no money for gymboree or clothes for that matter. I haven't solved the dilemna but more than likely I will have to attend my son's counseling sessions in the future and atone for all my sins.4. Kelley Cunningham
Jul 07, 2006 20:58
Michelle, I've been a working mom, a stay-at-home mom, a freelance mom and now I'm a working mom again, and I know how hard it is no matter what road a mother chooses or what road is forced upon her depending on the circumstances. Interesting how it's usually the moms who take on most of the guilt, no matter what we do.What I was trying to say here was that when I was a stay-at-home mom I was often hurt and disappointed at how SOME working mothers were terribly condescending towards stay-at-homes, and often expected the stay-at-homes to do most of the school volunteering etc because "we had nothing else to do." I'm sure part of that resentment came from the guilt they felt.
I also was trying to say that some stay-at-homes were smug and mean to the working moms, insinuating that they are better mothers because they are home all day with their kids. I'm sure part of that stay-at-home smugness comes from a need to justify their own choice to stay home, despite the many disappointments.
I try to point out that the moments that they supposedly stayed home for, things they didn't want to "miss," often turned into fiascos anyway and they wind up sobbing in the bathroom out of the lonely frustration staying home all day often brings. Not to mention the confusion it fosters in some women who feel like they've dropped out of the 'real" world, and even though they did this "for their kids" they wonder if it makes a damn bit of difference in the end anyway.
I think a lot of working moms fantasize about the wonderful things they are missing with their kids all day long, and I try to point out in a funny way that it ain't necessarily so!
Perhaps I should have been clearer making my point about the women who turn stay-at-home parenting into a competitive new career and my deep disappointment at how fractured our community of mothers has become, in large part because a lot of these "supermoms" put so much pressure on themselves, their children, and in turn the rest of us, forcing us to play catch-up, doubting our own mothering abilities.
And there's also a huge difference between working to put food on the table and working to be able to afford bloated, materialistic lifestyle. But that's another discussion!
No matter what we all choose to do, it's so damn hard. And we'll all be attending our kids' counseling sessions, no doubt! The last thing I want to do is divide mothers further, but perhaps it sparks discussion so that's a good thing. Thank you for reading my column. You might like the "Quality Shmality" one better!
All best,
Kelley
5. Kit
Aug 01, 2006 15:04
Hi, I just came here from A Mommy with Attitude and wanted to say that I enjoyed this post, I hope in the spirit it was written. What is the point of fighting about it we're all on the same side in the end.6. CrankMama
Sep 01, 2006 12:17
Well said, Kit. Being a mother is difficult, no matter what road you choose. Being a mother with loving, supportive, well intentioned and non-judgmental girlfriends is balm to the soul. May we all find those people who stand by us regardless of our choices!7. hblue
Dec 05, 2006 11:00
Kelley, you are an excellant writer.The honesty in your writing is a great comfort to those who wonder, "Is it just me, or... ?"
Normally, when I miss work I read Dilbert.
Now, when I'm frustrated at home or at OPK I'll read your writing (I understand that this in no way obligates you to be my therapist).
And when I deal with those coming off the work wagon, I will try to be patient while they decompress.
8. Robin Matteri Hall
Feb 01, 2007 14:34
You are brilliant sister! Wonderful style and content. Freaking hilarious!I can not comment on this right now because I have to rescue my 1 year from atop the refridgerator he just climbed! How did he do it? It baffles the mind. Hold on baby......mama's coming!
9. Rani
Jul 09, 2007 23:01
wow...that was written very well and i so enjoyed the comedic aspect, but i also feel like i've been told how rotten i am for working. :(no harm intended but, i'm a working mother, NOT by choice. i have to work to provide for my household. if i had the choice, i would stay at home, but i would also be broke and heating my house by sterno while eating crackers a la peanut butter.
work is okay, but it is not completely fulfilling for me. when i get home from work, i'm so excited to see my little red-headed fire of a child. to spend five hours with her, makes my day. it also makes me sad when i have to leave her the next morning. part of me is missing when i'm not with her.
believe me, i NEVER look down my nose on anyone who stays-at-home. my best friend kept my daughter for me the first year of her life, so i could avoid daycare/illness/etc. i respected her very much for caring for my child and also caring for her own four year-old.
my best friend and i are on opposite ends of the spectrum, but we are very open and honest and are respectful and not jealous of each other's choice(s), but we are also the type of friends that make the conscious effort to be FRIENDS, in all realms.
believe me, i've been told many a time, that i am the ONLY mother at the daycare (15 children in my daughter's class) who actually does anything above and beyond their requests. if there are parties, i am there. if they need volunteers, i am there. i try do anything extra i can b/c i cannot stay at home.
and yes, i feel extremely guilty, but my mother was single and worked three jobs. i turned out just fine, and i don't blame the world or my mother because of my own faulty choices. watching her work so very hard for me gave me the added push to do well for myself and to love her even more.
you're right...this forum of stay-at-home or work is so overdone...you do what you have to do.
10. Pat Fletcher
Jul 21, 2007 14:32
Hi, Kelley:Happened across your rantings on the internet. Thought I'd say hello. It's the former Coyleface.
Like your work!
- PF
11. Melinda
Sep 27, 2007 13:22
Parenthood as a competitive sport is ridiculous - and usually only played out by women who are insanely jealous that other women can work full time and also do everything you do at home all day - in the same amount of time. You just don't like us 'invading' your territory - mainly because we do it better!You don't need a primer on how to be friends with a working mother - you need chiropractic care to unwedge your head from your ass.
TWIT!
12. Kelley Cunningham
Sep 27, 2007 19:17
Oh for God's sake, Melinda, this is a humor column! Tone it down. Can't you see that the whole point of the writing is saying exactly what you are saying, that parenthood as competition is ridiculous? All of my writing is about that. And besides, I've been a full time stay-at-home as well as a single working mother and everything in between, so I think I know this subject matter as well as anyone.You say you don't like us "invading your territory" and that you "do it better," while raging at me for supposedly turning parenthood into a competition. Don't you see that's exactly what YOU did with the response you wrote?
13. A Different Michelle
Oct 04, 2007 16:45
I too have stayed at home and also worked. I now have older kids (9,11,13) and run a business out of my home.In my humble opinion there isn't a "right way" to do things. It's very individual for each family. What works for one family may not work for another, and a working mother should not be made to feel selfish for having career goals and ambition. Nor should she feel guilty for using a nanny or daycare.
An at-home mom shouldn't feel like some brainless turd (or be treated like one) because she has chosen to make a career sacrifice and become financially dependent on her partner. I do have the concern about her retirement, however. When a man stays home with the kids, people get up in arms about this, but no one cares about a woman's retirement. Why the double standard?
It's sad that the current state of our culture is such that children aren't truly valued, whether they are cared for (during the day) at home or in child care centers. The supposed "ideal" is for mom to stay home, so there is a lack of funding and quality child care for working parents. But for at home moms, they take such a financial hit too. There is something seriously wrong with this!!!
But then you hear some make the argument that "you shouldn't have had kids if you can't afford them". Well, when families are paying out the ass for Social Security taxes, and we won't see any of it later, you have to wonder who is valued in our society.
14. A Different Michelle
Oct 04, 2007 17:00
One way for the working moms and at-home moms to get along is to drop all the crap about "And what do YOU do"?Why can't it just be about mothering? I know I'll catch some flack about this, but maybe the "mommy wars" are because mommies are WOMEN.
Women do tend to be a little on the backstabbing and competitive side. It's something we are biologically programmed to do. We "compete" for mates since bearing children requires such a huge commitment of time and resources. This behavior, although not pretty, has ensured our species' survival for so long. But now that we aren't in any threat of extinction, we don't need it. But it's hard to shake.
That mother who seems to have it all together and got her figure back quickly after giving birth? Everyone hates her? Why is this?
The woman who has the great career and seems to be happy with it? The at-home moms hate her. The at-home mom who loves being at home with her new baby? The working moms talk about how stupid she is for letting her brain rot and letting her day revolve around her kid's bowel movements.
Can't it just be about being mothers? Can't we exchange recipes and time-saving tips no matter what our circumstances are? Who has enough time these days? NO ONE!!!
How hard can it be to find common ground with another human being?
15. Hoosierxheart
Oct 21, 2008 16:26
So when do we get the "How to be friends with a Stay-at-Home Mother"??While it may have been meant in good humor, it still seemed very anti-working mother.
16. Kelley Cunningham
Oct 21, 2008 17:58
Really? How, exactly? I still think it's more an indictment of the self-limiting impressions of the world and themselves that SOME stay-at-homes have. But, I guess the point is that it clearly touches a nerve, so I guess the mommy wars aren't over yet, and maybe never will be. Luckily I'm aging out of it, so I will have to leave it to the next generation of moms to continue the battle, or not. Thanks anyway for reading.17. Christine Munoz
Nov 17, 2008 21:39
I am a working mom and admit I have passed judgement on my stay-at-home friends too often while affirming that being a stay-at-home mom is a full time job. Your article made sense and the next time I put myself on a pedestal I will think twice and put myself in check. Thank You!18. Fabio Henri
Feb 16, 2009 09:41
Modern society is screwed up. But what can we do? I think that G.K Chesterton commented once that he was against women labor and was labeled a chauvinist. He meant that the best course for society was to keep women were they were most needed. Industrialists turned society in a such a way that both parents are practically forced to work in order to have a decent lifestyle while a little over a century ago, one salary was meant to support an entire family. Nowadays, mom and dad have to work to make ends meet for one even smaller family of one or two kids. There's no difference in difficulty. Being a mom is tough.It is true, though, that being there for your kids is priceless. If Domenico de Masi's ideas were to prevail, everyone would work less and money supply better spread out. I'm no communist, hard work and smart work gotta be recognized. However, we all need to spend more time with our kids. And in the case of working moms, you really have to make it count.But what do I know? I'm just an uneducated stay-at-home dad!
19. Leah
May 16, 2009 19:23
I really think it doesn't matter if you worked or stayed at home. My mom worked and as I kid I had no idea stay at home moms even existed (I grew up in a communist country, EVERYONE was working). It didn't screw up my life at all so I didn't feel a bit guilty about working. It's just normal and anyway, I didn't have a choice (not that I would have chosen differently, but I really didn't have that choice to make). I am not really sure why people talk about this like we all have money falling from the sky and can pay the bills with no problem, so we sit at home just wondering what would we LIKE more. Poverty is often what screws up children, not the issue of their mothers staying at home or working. As long as they feel loved is OK either way. I really don't understand this mommy war.20. Stephanie
Sep 02, 2009 11:48
Anyone who has a child/children knows how himportant it is to have SOMEONE relate to the path you are on - it IS a division in perspective when a mother works or doesn't work, and I have been on both sides of that fence. Let's cut some slack for one another, and support whatever decision you personally make. I find that none of my friends without children can relate to what I'm going through on a daily basis with a 10 month old, and even my husband can't relate to why I would complain when I have it so "easy" staying at home all day while he deals with the stress of work. I DID work for almost 20 years in the dental industry, and it is tough to stay at home. I miss talking to people, having a place to go every day, feeling like I accomplished something, and was a productive member of society. Mothers are easily overlooked, and I think some days very miserable at times. This is no babysitting gig. This is a daily 12 hour job minimum, and there is no time off, lunch breaks, quitting time, happy hour (besides the naptime), or vacation. Some days it sucks, but most of the time, the laughter and smiles received from that child of yours makes it all worth it. We are truly blessed, although sometimes we don't feel like it, and are too tired to realize it. Hang in there stay at home moms, we all can relate, although sometimes it feels like we are the only ones living this Groundhog day.