It Works For UsAlternative family structure doesn't mean bad family structure. |
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She started talking quickly, and this became a much-needed distraction for my two-year-old son who had been getting very impatient with the wait. I tried to keep up with what she was saying over my son’s babble, but unfortunately didn’t catch whose mother she actually was. Nodding at what seemed appropriate times, I acted like I comprehended what she was saying about her own children and what they had done since high school. Then her attention turned to my son, and I breathed a sigh of relief as talking about him was an easy subject for me to manage. I noticed she was looking at my hands as we talked about my son’s fascination with all vehicles with wheels or tracks, especially Thomas and Friends. She was so impressed that he could name so many of the engines pictured on a mini catalog page that had come in the toy packaging, and that he now had safely grasped in his little pink hand. I suppose she finally got up the nerve to ask about my marital status, after not seeing a wedding ring anywhere. I inwardly cringed when I saw the look on her face as I answered. “I’m divorced. I have three children from the marriage, but they’re with their father right now. I’m not married to the father of this little angel.” She seemed to have lost the ability to speak after hearing this, at least for a few moments. I looked quickly to see if the line was abating, and sighed when I noticed the line light flashing. The cashier needed assistance. As she regained her voice I turned back to face her. I fought the temptation to ignore her completely. “Oh. Well, perhaps it is best that you’re on your own after a divorce. Does his father see him at least?” “His father comes to see us all the time. We see him at least once a day, unless he’s away on a trip for work. He’s a part of the household, but he just doesn’t live with us all the time,” I replied. If the first response hadn’t managed to silence her, I thought this one had a good chance of it. After another few moments of silence, and the arrival of my mother, the woman only managed to exchange greetings with her, and mumble something about forgetting something before exiting the line. I didn’t bother to see if she just went to another line, but I have little doubt she did. At moments like that, I think I end up seeing just a small portion of the truly institutional nature of families. Over the years I have learned that there are at least two slants in the meaning of that word, and the one that causes people to have narrow definitions of what a good family can be is decidedly negative. It is odd for me to see people who think it would be somehow better for me to be on my own, without the father of my youngest child. Perhaps that would better fit their definition of the sort of man who would “take advantage” of a newly divorced woman and get her pregnant. To them, a man like that is the sort who would walk away. The fact is that this man and I are not proponents of marriage. My reasons are obvious, given my divorce, and he is just the old-fashioned confirmed bachelor. It infuriates me when some people pass judgment on our choices about how we will live, and even worse, try to imply that the home environment we are providing for our son is inappropriate. Unfortunately the people who hold this opinion are not the ones I would expect it from: the highly religious individuals who would call that sort of lifestyle “living in sin”, and older people who are just set in their ways. That woman in the Wal-Mart was one of the oldest ones to show her disapproval, and was the least vocal. It has been an uphill battle with more than a few people around my own age to get them to understand that this works for us. They kept saying that somehow we were cheating our son out of a good life by refusing to make it legal. Their major argument was that it’s just different when people leave each other; we’re together, so why not make it formal? “We don’t want to” never seems to totally cut it with some people. At most we’ll entertain the concept of actually living together, but that will have little quirks, to avoid the State declaring common law marriage between us. The term “alternative family structures” doesn’t necessarily mean “bad family structures”. We say we can accept same-sex couples having children, how about unmarried heterosexual ones? |
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1. CrankMama
Nov 18, 2006 17:50
Elizabeth,So well said! Even though there are all sorts of families out there, it still seems that everyone assumes once you have kids that you fit into the nuclear family stereotype.
I had twins with a man I didn't marry and thank GOD I didn't. When people say things like "out of wedlock" I think "Get with the program!! What do you THINK all those stats about divorce and unhappy marriages mean?"
Thanks for giving an important voice to this issues.
--Rachael
CrankMama
2. Lyn
Nov 27, 2006 09:56
You are so right! I have two boys, by the same man, and while we lived together we didn't see the point of "making it legal." And almost everyone could not see that this was fine for us. Our boys had two loving parents, and for us this was enough. Isn't that better than getting married and then divorced? We did things the other way around. We have been together for 26 years now, and have been married for the last eight. So, you do what works for you, and if other people don't like it - so what?3. Angela
Dec 28, 2006 16:58
I am glad to hear that there are other women out there that understand these choices. I have a very similar story, divorced, started dating, and oops. The difference is he left. My 15 month old has never seen his father and probably never will. It amazes me how horrible people are about my choice to keep the baby. Even now, it seems that my keeping him, cost me a majority of my friends. The ironic part is most of them were single mothers and then found new loves. Suddenly I am the pariah because they got married. (not remarried, but married).4. Karen
Mar 21, 2007 16:24
As I was reading your story I was thinking about the various comments I have heard from so many people about my own unmarried mother-ness. They were generally from the family of the man, who were Jehova's Witnesses and so very traditional (although not traditional enough to have a son who abstained from pre-maratal sex) and my father who is an old school New England purist, and whose first question to me on hearing I was pregnant was "do you know who the father is?". I was relieved when my mother, a font of wisdom nowadays, urged me not to get married. I was not even entertaining the idea but getting the nod from mom sealed the deal. After the families got the marrige question out of thier systems, I got to deal with the public and all it's opinions. Frankly, being an interracial became the first beef with people, (my favorite comment from several people 'but what about the baby?) the fact that I was unmarried did not come up as often as it might. When it did, it came with a vengence. Of all the times I had complete strangers impose thier views, my favorite was the hairdresser. Now, I had never thought that beuty shops were a bastion of strong values, but I lerned my lesson that day! As she was clipping away, we were chatting about this and that, somehow my pregnacy came up. I saw a distinct pause and glance toward my fingers, then a timid "um....are you two planning a wedding?" I told her that no, there would be no wedding, no marrage, and we had not moved in together yet. It was as if I had droped the f-bomb at a Barney Live show. She was unable to regain normal conversation after that, and I took great joy in watching her wiggle and squirm and try not to offend me, the one with the tip. Needless to say, I did not return to get a trim and I am still single and VERY happy that I listed to my mother!