Share your knowledge and make money doing it -- become an Imperfect Parent Tipster today! Apply here
Subscribe to our feedFollow us on TwitterFind us on Facebook
Read more: nags, nagging, allowance, child behavior, chores

Home -> Parenting -> Parenting Methods

Queen of Nags

Mommy needed her serfs to self-govern.

By Kelly Curtis

I have a genetic predisposition to nag. This, coupled with control freak tendencies, is a recipe for catastrophe.
 
My resolve in resisting this impulse was successful until our family moved, and remodeled our new home while we inhabited the construction zone. Over a period of months, this living arrangement resulted in the disintegration of order and responsibility.
 
When we said, “good-bye,” to the contractors, I undertook the daunting task of returning our family to the normal function it enjoyed before the move. Though my kids are remarkable in many ways, they also possess a lazy gene. Stern guidance was imperative to pull them from the couch, but I was exhausted holding our kids accountable at a level that would produce order in our house.
 
My epiphany came one morning, while I stood in slippers and 4 inches of snow, yelling across the yard to my seven-year-old son. I reminded him, for the fifth time that morning, to find the only mismatched gloves remaining from the three pairs he had in November. He ignored me, also for the fifth time, so I turned to my snow-shoveling husband and asked wrinkle-browed, “Why isn’t he looking?”
 
He paused, then as gingerly as he could muster, replied, “You tell him to do things all the time. I don’t think he hears you anymore.”
 
Gulp.
 
This stung. Translation: “You are Mommy, Queen of Nags.”
 
The calendar indicated it was February 1, and I decided this would be a month of positive change for our family.
 
I licked my wounds and told my kids we needed to make some changes. “Because I give so many reminders, you don’t seem to listen to any of them,” I explained. “I know you can be responsible, so from now on I will let you meet expectations on your own.” Excited cheers met my assertion that both Deena and Curtis would receive an allowance of two dollars per week for following certain guidelines.
 
Here’s the kicker.
 
“I will no longer remind you.”
 
Vacant stares answered this declaration.
 
“And if you don’t take care of your responsibilities, I will do them myself and garnish your allowance at the rate of 10 cents per item.”
 
They pondered this, but jumped aboard. Money talks.
 
The kids named our month-long project “February RULES!” (i.e., February Rocks, is Awesome, the Coolest, etc.) I listed four basic principles Nanny 911-style on neon-yellow tag board.
 
Without being reminded, I will do my best at:

 

  • Schoolwork
  • Respect
  • Putting my stuff where it goes
  • Cleaning my room

Then I asked them to brainstorm clarifiers and list them under each expectation — do homework, put homework in backpack, don’t yell, don’t lie, put toys away, put dirty plate in sink, make bed, pick up stuff on floor, put dirty clothes in laundry basket.
 
“Great! We will start tomorrow,” I said.
 
After dinner I called downstairs on our intercom, “This is your last freebie reminder. Your dirty plates are still on the table.”
 
I nearly severed my tongue within the first hour of our experiment, but was successful in skipping reminders. An important question still hung - how long should I wait before I complete the chore myself and garnish the allowance? I tested a half-day grace period.
 
Next morning, Deena (age 9) bounded up the steps and raced to the counter, relieved that I had not discovered her abandoned Polly Pockets. Patience is a virtue.
 
Later, while Curt devoured his after school snack, I walked past with his dinner plate from the night before, scraped it, and placed it in the sink. Then I silently grabbed a pen and wrote the garnishment on his chart. His audible groan screamed, “message sent” without my speaking a word.
 
The rules worked.
 
On February 1, I delivered at least ten ignored reminders by 4:00 PM. On February 2 — none.
 
We christened Friday as “payday” and celebrated it with a family meeting at the dinner table. Deena scrutinized Mom’s allowance deductions and Curt counted his change, while we discussed the results of the past week’s experiment.
 
“How come you and Dad don’t have rules?” Curtis asked.
 
“We follow the same ones you do,” I defended.
 
“But what if you DON’T?” he pressed.
 
Hmmmm. We were not getting an allowance, so a “wet-willy” was about the only consequence that came to mind.
 



“How about you have to add a quarter to the trip jar?” Deena suggested.
 
“Okay, that sounds fair,” I agreed.
 
“And I think we should add ‘no bad words’ to the February RULES list,” she snickered.
 
We still modify the RULES periodically, and our family dynamics benefit each time. Habitual demonstration of responsibility could result in additional duties, and a raise — something they desperately crave. In the future, I may even trust the process enough to relinquish my sacred nags — safety, health and timelines — giving bonuses for consistent reliability without reminders. We are all transforming.
 
Our February RULES experiment was a success. Although our home still peaks out at organized pandemonium, my children are stakeholders. Shifts occur because our kids offer solutions — it’s their dime. They check the “Mom did your job” chart and when they notice additions, they ask for clarification. I am happy to explain, because in this system, they hear me.
 
I earn enough change for a latté now and then, and during busy weeks, I pitch in to help without charge. After all, they offer to assist me sometimes as well. That’s what families do.
 
Nagging erupts in various ways — a mutiny of reminders, advice gone AWOL or fear that others will judge you based on your child’s behavior, the mother of them all. My affliction was a bit of each, but February RULES threw us a buoy that rescued personal control. I tossed my haphazard and emotionally charged enforcement so my children could experience logical, predetermined consequences. The kingdom self-governs.
 
Queen Mommy went freelance.



Kelly Curtis is a mother, published writer and educator whose work has appeared in numerous regional and national magazines. For more of Kelly's writing, visit her blog, "Pass the Torch".

10 Responses to "Queen of Nags"

1. Pamela

Sep 21, 2006 10:37

Wow. I think I tried some forms of this when my kids were small but I didn't have the "stick-to-it-ive-ness." So often it was just easier to do it myself.

The humerous part is that I hear the same gripes from my daughters about their households. "If you would just hang up the towel, and not lay it on your bed where it leaves a wet spot!!!" ô¿ô

2. meredith

Sep 21, 2006 13:59

Kelly: this morning, I was thinking of you and talking about your daughter having left something behind that she needed for school. Then I read this ... and it reminded me of the struggle I had with looking at the picture day envelope, all ready to go, still sitting on the kitchen table this morning. The one I had told my DD to put in her backpack. Three times. And three times, she didn't listen to me.

I think I will have to employ some of your technique. And it will take a lot for me to hold my tongue.

3. Christine

Sep 21, 2006 14:07

Strangely enough my husband would love to read this post. Sometimes I feel like I'm talking to walls when I ask my kids to pick up their rooms, or put something back where it belongs. We've tried the taking money away before, but we weren't very consistent with keeping up with it. I'll definetly make myself more clear and keep my word the next time!!
Thanks Kelly!

4. Pass the Torch

Sep 21, 2006 14:21

Thank you all for commenting. Parenting's a trip, isn't it?

5. Paul Gordon

Sep 21, 2006 14:28

Way to go, Kelly, both for the transformation in your home and the fabulous article describing it!! Thank you so much for sending me the link to this!

Carol Gordon

6. Susan Stephenson

Sep 21, 2006 17:19

Great story,Kelly - I particularly liked your daughters enterprising addition of adding "bad words" to the no-no's!

7. Sarah

Sep 22, 2006 12:46

Thank you for this article, I loved it. It was very enlightening and to the point. I am thrilled to have clear steps to change and improve as I am also a nag.

8. chilihead

Sep 22, 2006 14:27

What a fantastic idea. I'll have to try this myself.

9. Holly Schwendiman

Sep 22, 2006 18:46

LOVE it Kelly! It's amazing how much small changes at the hinge bear significant results at the end of the swaying gate!! Bravo and thanks for sharing!

Hugs,
Holly

10. Tonya

Sep 25, 2006 16:27

Oh, did i ever need to hear that! I am sometimes intimidated by you because you seem to have this parenting thing down so well. It's nice to know that you still have problems too. Not that I want you to have problems, of course!

I'm ashamed to admit this, but my nagging often turns into yelling. It's not that I'm yelling because I'm angry so much as I feel like I need to yell to be heard. I know it's because they tune me out, just like you were talking about.

You have inspired me to have my own special month. Mine will be a yelling-free month. I need to find other, more productive ways of communicating with my children. I think I'm going to post about this in a couple of days, after I've had time to think it over a little more.

Thanks for the challenge!

Leave a comment:

Comments are automatically filtered and may not be posted immediately in an effort to remove commercial messages, irrelevancies, excessive foul language and/or personal attacks and will be edited/deleted at our discretion.
*Name:
*Email (not displayed):
URL:
*Comments: Word limit 1000 words. HTML tags are not allowed.
*Please enter the 2 words (this helps us reduce spam):
Enter two words below:
  

More Parenting:

Family Vacations Gone Awry
Sometimes surviving a family vacation takes more than sunscreen and bug repellent.
By Aimee Cirucci

Not Another Flower
By Alice J. Wisler

Signed, The Laundry Management
A new discovery while doing the wash.
By Kimberly Ripley

Nature vs. Nurture
You're gonna turn him gay.
By Cindy Morrow

Mama's Intuition
I seem to be missing something.
By Regina Walker

Related Articles:

I'm the Mom (Like It or Not)
You had to get up and pee, didn't you?
By Jamie Odeneal

The Master Mind
On the brink of insanity.
By Andrea Atkinson

When It's Someone Else's Child
It takes a village?
By Bryan Johnston

Old Yeller
CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW??
By Juliet Johnson

Going Domestic
I need a chef and a maid.
By Karen B. Schwartz

Google
The Imperfect Parent Web

Home -> Parenting -> Parenting Methods

Share your knowledge and make money doing it. Become an Imperfect Parent Tipster.
IMPERFECTION IN YOUR INBOX



Find your online degree

Our supporters:
Advertisement
POPULAR RIGHT NOW
 

"Try as hard as we may for perfection, the net result of our labors is an amazing variety of imperfectness. We are surprised at our own versatility in being able to fail in so many different ways." -- Samuel McChord Crothers