Share your knowledge and make money doing it -- become an Imperfect Parent Tipster today! Apply here
Subscribe to our feedFollow us on TwitterFind us on Facebook
Read more: humor, sahm, fantasizing, me time

Home -> Humor -> Essays

The Grand Adventurer

The wonderful escapades of Princess Me.

By Heather Summerville

Photo: Leah-Anne Thompson

When I was a child, I discovered a practical way to survive boring tasks. I would simply imagine myself somewhere else. While I constantly entertained myself, others were not amused.
 
After each Grand Adventure, I would present my treasure (with its harrowing adventure) to the kind queen. Alas, the now villainous queen would not be amused and cast me into the lowest darkest dungeon (my bedroom), which I must say was a pitiful reward for such a noble undertaking. After days of confinement (or an hour or two), I would be forced to face the Enforcer (my Dad) for The Talk. (This is a method employed by parents to try to impose Expected Rules of behavior on children. May include: Destruction of Property, Graffiti, defacement, and/or punishment and retribution.)
 
Teachers also have surprisingly little tolerance for Grand Adventures. (Unless they are on paper, spelled correctly, double spaced, and grammatically correct.) I have a lot of experience with teachers, having spent a large portion of time with my Mom and Nana, both teachers. My oldest sister also became a teacher, due largely, I think, to my contribution of being younger and therefore not very intelligent. All of my teachers (relatives or otherwise) tend to think that a vacant stare means disinterest (or a low IQ), and that the height of rudeness is to drool on the desk. Alas, no spectacular educational career for me.
 
As I grew older and memorized The Talk, I fooled everyone into thinking that I had quit my Grand Adventuring, when in fact I had just quit acting them out.
 



Surprisingly, after a childhood of ignoring, playing or avoiding housework, I am now a stay at home mom. I find that most of my time is spent cleaning up after other people. Lets face it -- housework may be essential to health and well-being, but no one notices it unless it isn’t done. My Seattle friends all fear that I am, “Not living up to my Potential,” and my Oklahoma friends all wonder why I am, “Not better at it.”
 
Washing dishes (for the thousandth time) is Princess Me (the beautiful, kind, adored princess captured by the evil Witch.) If one dish is left dirty I will be cast into the dungeon. The ever-precarious laundry pile is my Mount Everest.
 
When my husband comes home, I am a femme fatale, undercover for the CIA, spying on him. I bat my eyelashes in a sultry manner, and he kindly asks what is wrong with my eye.

Later, I take my Ultimate Vacation Grand Adventure, where I am an orphaned heiress to a billion dollar diamond mine, and I am vacationing on my own private island. I work on my tan and listen to the crashing waves, as Coco the houseboy gives me a foot massage. My pigmy natives (ranging from 2-4 feet) bring me drink after drink with cute little umbrellas. Sadly, my children and husband don’t often play with me anymore. Not even the youngest will let me rest my feet on them, and they refuse to wear the cute island outfits I made.
 
Folks who know me probably see me as “flustered”, my hair in a bun, with tendrils escaping, and a pack of children. But I am really a noble, brave, adventurer working undercover to expose the plot of D&D (Dirt and Debris) to take over the world. And now I must go (theme music starts) -- an alarm has sounded, and the room is smoky with mystery… And I can hear the kids now: “Dad, dinner’s done, the smoke alarm went off again.”
 
Another Grand Adventure begins…



Heather Summerville grew up as the middle child of three girls outside of Seattle, WA. She is trained as a classical ballerina, a fire-baton twirler, a beauty queen, and a Equestrian. Suprisingly, there is very little call for these skills in the "real world". Heather now lives in a small town in Oklahoma where she is a freelance writer who stays at home with three girls of her own, and tries to be a good mom. "I am great at games and entertainment... but it is the cleaning thing that gets me!"

2 Responses to "The Grand Adventurer"

1. Jessica Wilemon

Sep 14, 2006 07:19

Heather is a wonderful writer and has a way to bring real world and make it funny which us stay at home moms thrive on to get through the Mount Rushmores of our own homes. Love the article!!

2. Dene Hager

Sep 14, 2006 10:21

Amazing! Heather is so talented. The sky is the limit for this writer!

Leave a comment:

Comments are automatically filtered and may not be posted immediately in an effort to remove commercial messages, irrelevancies, excessive foul language and/or personal attacks and will be edited/deleted at our discretion.
*Name:
*Email (not displayed):
URL:
*Comments: Word limit 1000 words. HTML tags are not allowed.
*Please enter the 2 words (this helps us reduce spam):
Enter two words below:
  

More Humor:

Teach Your Kids To Swear!
A primer.
By Michelle O'Neil

Stick a Fork in It
Ten technological marvels that help me ignore my kids.
By Brandy Stoner

Sleep, Exercise and Diet
Yeah, right.
By Robin Matteri Hall

There Are No Secrets
Did I mention it was anatomically correct?
By Michele Hickerty

WTF?! Toy Roundup
Design Your Own Basketball, Mighty Beanz, Crocodile Dentist, Marshmallow Peeps Marshmallow Maker

Related Articles:

Memo to Mama
Please review the following talking points.
By Sonia Elabd

New Food Reviews
By my two-year-old son, to whom most foods are new.
By Chris Steck

'Tis the Season
To receive the title, families must win the holiday trifecta.
By Kelly Miller

Growing Pains
Chicken Soup for the Aspetic Soul
By Elizabeth Thompson

The Swing Set
If you build it, they will prefer the old one.
By Angie Weatherly

Google
The Imperfect Parent Web

Home -> Humor -> Essays

Share your knowledge and make money doing it. Become an Imperfect Parent Tipster.
IMPERFECTION IN YOUR INBOX



Find your online degree

Our supporters:
Advertisement
POPULAR RIGHT NOW
 

"Assert your right to make a few mistakes. If people can't accept your imperfections, that's their fault." -- Dr. David M. Burns