Hershey's S'mores Maker
by Spinmaster --
$19.99
When we were kids, the yearly camping trip to Wisconsin was always highly anticipated. Lazy days spent fishing and canoeing, followed by a roaring campfire to cook the day's catch. After dark, we sat with blankets around our shoulders, listened to the crackling of the fire, smelled the fresh late summer air, gazed at the night sky in search of shooting stars, and of course made our favorite gooey chocolate treat, s'mores... those were the days... halcyon days that would make Garrison Keillor weep like a little girl...
What better to bring those memories rushing back than gently warming a marshmallow on a plastic stick over a 40 watt light bulb. You would think even the mildly retarded marketing manager at Spinmaster would know that the best part of roasting marshmallows is -- say it with us, people -- SETTING THE MARSHMALLOW ON FIRE AND BLOWING IT OUT. That's not only impossible with this "toy", but even if it was, it is highly discouraged by the large warning label on the side.
The top looks like it was recycled from the hot air popcorn popper we had back in college.
Don't Wake Daddy
by Milton Bradley --
$19.99
This game is not only fun, but it teaches an important life lesson -- "don't wake Daddy". Because when you wake Daddy it makes him angry. And you wouldn't like Daddy when he's angry. Mommy? Oh, Mommy stays home all day so fuck it, you can wake her up all you want.
Why is Daddy so sleepy? One of three reasons: a) Daddy went out with his friends after work and now he's "tired", b) Daddy is napping between his three jobs to pay for braces for you ungrateful brats, or c) Daddy sleeps 23 hours a day due to the crippling depression he suffers because of what his life has become -- I mean really, on top of everything else he's being forced to sleep in the guest bedroom by his wife because of his creepy insistance on wearing starched and pressed pajamas and a stocking cap to bed.
Bratz Twister
by Hasbro --
$19.99
At first glance, it may appear this is simply a repackaging of Twister with the Bratz logo and graphics. You would be wrong. Bratz Twister is an important training tool for young girls to lead the Bratz Lifestyle™ when they grow up -- i.e., strippers, porn stars and nude models.
With each turn at the game, they are increasing flexiblity and learning to contort their bodies into un-natural positions for the sole pleasure of misogynistic men! Hey, don't knock it, the Scores girls interviewed on Howard Stern claim they make over $1000 a night. And what daddy doesn't want his little princess to someday be interviewed by Howard Stern?
And you thought Bratz Twister had no merit.
In
Your Face Game
by MGA Entertainment --
$24.99
Inside the Oval Office
George: Rummy, those meanies in the press are giving me a hard time about the torture.
Rummy: Mr. President, you know how I feel about it -- torture is our most effective tool. Prison camp isn't supposed to be fun.
George: Yeah, I know Rumster, but, couldn't you at least make it
look like fun to the media, but deep down it's really sa... sa... what's that word?
Rummy: Sadistic?
George: That's it, sapisdic. Something that... hey, what's that on the t.v. -- Scotty, turn that up!
TV Announcer: "That's right, kids,
In Your Face is more than just a trivia game -- you'll be just fine if you answer correctly, but look out when the answers dry up, because if you're wrong you get a squirt of water in the face!"
Rummy: Sir, I think I have an idea...
