70 Things My Mother Used to Say

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© Can Stock Photo Inc. / Nejron

As an ode to my mother, here are 70 things my mother always said…

1. Bats and raccoons have rabies.
2. Beggars can’t be choosers.
3. You won’t have any boyfriends if you stay fat.
4. We were a tad bit Irish.
5. March to the beat of a different drummer.
6. Don’t stoop to their level.
7. Gotta take the bitter with the sweet.
8. A lady never chews with her mouth open.
9. Wait until you have children of your own.
10. There is no right time to have a baby.
11. A lot of Jews celebrate Christmas because it’s secular.
12. You were a little bit hyper.
13. Eat it or go hungry.
14. A hard head makes for a soft behind.
15. If you invite someone over, you have to wait for them to invite you back before you can invite again.
16. She could out-stubborn any kid, until she met this one.
17. When you’re eating pretzels, chew before you swallow.
18. WWII was thought up between Churchill and FDR to help the economy.
19. You’d argue with a signpost.
20. She and my father always canceled each other out in their voting.
21. Buying one for me was one of the biggest mistakes she’d ever made.
22. You’d forget your head if it wasn’t attached.
23. Even a blind squirrel can find a nut once in a while.
24. Your mind works in mysterious ways.
25. You’ll have a big impact on the world.
26. That’s the pot calling the kettle black.
27. Wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which one fills up the fastest.
28. Those who swear don’t have much of a vocabulary.
29. Hear the sirens? They’re coming to get you.
30. Only eat the snow just below the top layer.
31. Lay means to put or place.
32. Don’t put anything smaller than an elbow in your ear.
33. Getting dirty is good for you, it built up ones resistance.
34. It isn’t lady-like to drink from a bottle.
35. If you can’t play nice, you can’t play at all.
36. My ex was too good for me.
37. If there was a nutjob within 50 miles they’d find you.
38. When you point a finger at someone you are actually pointing three back at yourself.
39. If I learned something from her, it was worth it.
40. Always write thank you notes, even if you don’t like the gift.
50. Come home when the street lights turn on.
51. If candies and nuts were wishes and buts, we’d all have a Merry Christmas.
52. Where there’s a will, there’s a way.
53. If you want to get something done, ask a busy person to do it.
54. Someday you’ll regret fighting with your sister and brother.
55. You can’t always get what you want.
56. Wait until you have to pay bills.
57. The sun doesn’t rise and fall on your desires.
58. Don’t speak to me like that.
59. A locked door only keeps an honest man out.
60. You need to appreciate what you have.
61. Don’t open that umbrella in the house!
62. Make it yourself.
63. Life isn’t fair.
65. If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you?
66. Go find something to do.
67. If you’re bored, you can help me clean.
68. What would the Queen say?
69. Never write or type anything you don’t want someone else to read.
70. Money can’t buy you happiness, but it sure helps.

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