Okay, so not the world’s most original post — since I’ve never written a post like it before, preferring instead to bitch about it to my husband whose typical response is, “Oh, I know!” I’m goin’ for it.
So, here it is. The top seven most annoying phrases that silly moms say which I can only hope die a slow, agonizing and painful death…
1) “We’re pregnant!”
This is so obnoxious and stupid. I actually feel sorry for any man willing to emasculate himself to such a point where he lets this slide.
2) “Baby bump”
The ONLY reason it works in Hollywood is because it’s full of shallow, mindless, incurious bitches. It’s almost like a marketing term to describe something that really isn’t all that esthetically pleasing in order to sell it as something that is. Lest I be called a pregnancy curmudgeon, I do think some pregnant women look cute, but it’s a rarity. Most just look pregnant.
3) “Create a memory”
Ack. I hate this phrase. Memories are something that happens to you, it’s not something that can be planned. Memories are incidents recorded by way of accidents. Trying to ‘create a memory’ is unnatural, blasphemous and meaningless. It’s only significant if a memory just happens without a script or expectations.
4) “Special bonding time”
As if bonding were something that comes on an iPhone app. Remember when things were simple and “special bonding time” simply meant you spent some time with your kids? It was just something that you did, not something you wrote on the calendar. Now it has to come with perfume oils, rose petals and mood lighting and a wall post on Facebook so all of your “friends” can reinforce your status that you engaged in “special bonding time” (before they secretly call you an annoying bitch behind your back).
5) “Tiger Mom”
Yeah, yeah, yeah. The mother dictator bit. BORING! Over-achievers have always had kids and their kids have always been one bullet shy of going postal in Silicon Valley. This is rehashed news and something that every parent thinks they need to emulate on a lesser, more manageable level as they make a competitive sport out of appointments, music lessons, sports, academics and spelling bees. We need a ‘Koala Mom’. (Now that would be newsworthy.) Koalas sleep approximately 22 – 23 hours a day.
6) “Spirited child”
Just another PC word in a PC world. Spirited children are high strung, hyper, impulsive and typically all around bratty. When did bratty become the light bending around an object? Kids are freaky little 8-balls of energy. They’ll grow out of it. Nothing new here.
7) “Num nums”
Okay, by far the most God-awful, skin crawling, eye rolling, nails-on-a-chalkboard, hemorrhoid inducing, ear drum exploding description of a nipple and areola that momtards have ever spoken!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (And not that I’m comparing the (#7 word) to sex, but it reminds of moms that call their vaginas ‘muffin cracks of love’ or their partner’s penis, their ‘giggle stick’.)
It’s REALLY DUMB. Please stop using these mom-isms. As Sister Mary Elephant would say, “Shhhhuuuut UP!……Thank. You.”
Do you have any annoying mom-isms you’d like to add? I’m sure I’ve forgotten a gaggle or a slew.