12 Useful Tips

12 Useful Things to Do With Baby Spitup

1. Smear it all over those size 6 pants, those ones you barely fit into before pregnancy but that now just sit in your closet making you feel fat and guilty.

2. Dab it behind your ears when you don’t want to have sex and you’re out of excuses.

3. Donate it to the family-planning teacher at the local high school.

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4. Sprinkle it on that throw pillow your mother-in-law gave you that you’re looking for a good excuse to throw away.

5. Douse that too-tempting leftover chocolate cake with it.

6. Fertilizer your garden with it — along the side of your property where the neighbors always tie their yapping dog.

7. Seal it in plastic along with a dirty diaper, an audiotape of the baby crying, and a handwritten note advising you to open whenever you begin to romanticize parenting an infant.

8. Mail it to that obnoxious single friend who’s always claiming you have nothing to complain about, since at least you have a baby.

9. Throw it on your front steps when you spot a political campaigner or a religious proselytizer heading to your door.

10. Spread it on crackers and serve it to those guests you can’t seem to get rid of.

11. Freeze it to pass on to your child when he’s a teenager and he’s driving you crazy and you’re desperate to show him how much you’ve always done for him.

12. Photograph it to paste in your scrapbook along with all the other little things you’ll remember fondly once your tiny spitter-upper is grown and gone away.

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