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Ask the Angry Baby

We've taken questions from popular parenting magazines and handed them over to our resident expert. But be warned, he's got a dirty diaper and he's pissed.

This month: No talking, naps, tossing and blanket sucking

My son is 27 months old and he doesn't say much besides "mom," "dada," "kitty," and a few other things. But he responds to everything I ask him to do, and if I count from one to five, he holds up his fingers all the way to five. Nevertheless, my family is worried. Should I be?

You should consider yourself lucky. My older brother can talk... and talk, and talk, my god, the kid never shuts up! Yesterday, Iím playing with my Sesame Street toy (itís really cool, you press the buttons and the Cookie Monster pops up and says "C is for cookies, yum yum yum", aw man, you gotta see it Ė anyway, I digress), and he comes in and starts telling me in great detail about some Spongebob episode that was just on like heís auditioning to be a human Tivo, and Iím like, "DUDE! Iím kind of busy?! Enough, already!"

My 16-month-old daughter naps every day at daycare like clockwork, from 12:30 to 2:30 p.m. But at home on the weekends, we can't get her to go down for even 30 minutes! Any suggestions?

Hey, itís the weekend! You know, as in "everybodyís working for the..."? They invented it for a reason, us babies arenít too keen on a 7 day routine, either! She wants to break up the monotony of sitting around in daycare and party a little! So why donít you turn her loose, and get out of the damn house!? Sheíll be loviní every minute of it.

Our 4-month-old loves to be tossed up and down, but my mother says this isn't good for her. Is she right?

It depends Ė is there a ceiling fan in the room? Do you have hands like Bill Buckner? Hereís what Iíve discovered in my 13 months of experience. Dad gently tossing me a foot or so Ė good. Him having a contest to see how close he can get me to the ceiling without hitting my head Ė not so good. Especially when he does it in our living room with the vaulted ceilings.

My 1-year-old has been sucking on his blanket at bedtime for about two months. Is this normal? He was never interested in a pacifier, so why is this behavior so necessary for him now?

Of course this is normal. I never really took to a pacifier, especially after my dad tried to be a real smart ass and gave me that Billy Bob one. I mean, I still suck my thumb, and a lot of my buddies do, too. Sure, we give each other shit about it and... wait, you didnít say thumb you said BLANKET? Oh. Never mind then, your kid is a stone cold weirdo.

Have a question for Angry Baby? Send it to

In case you missed it, this column is meant to be humor/satire. In no way does The Imperfect Parent endorse or recommend following advice given by a cranky 13-month-old.

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