Home -> Humor -> Ask the Angry Baby | ||
 |
||
We've taken questions from popular parenting magazines and handed them over to our resident expert. But be warned, he's got a dirty diaper and he's pissed.This month: Smelly poop, a nanny's concerns, scabs, and colors |
||
| |
||
|
Hey, it's POOP. Those ain't rose petals filling her diaper. Jeez, don't they teach you parents science? Have you not seen that thingy on Nick Jr. about farts? I know you think your little one is perfect and her shit don't stank, but trust me -- I don't care if she's breastfed by a nubile mountain virgin who only drank spring water and ate berries, poop reeks. Sometimes I'm lying there getting changed, and I'm all, "Oooooh-weee!!!! I don't REMEMBER something crawling up my butt and dying there!" Lady, if my diaper smelling like ass was the sign of a disease, I would be in BIG trouble. I've been the caregiver for an eight-month-old boy every afternoon for about a month now. I'm concerned that he is never as happy, energetic and playful as he is around his mom. I know, of course, that he is more attached to his mom than anyone else, which is as it should be. But seeing him so much happier with her makes me wonder if I'm doing something wrong. Wow, you nannys are almost as dumb as the parents. I'm going to break baby code here and spell it out for you -- you get PAID to be nice to me, play with me, and give me attention. With mom I have to work it a little. You know -- give her some giggles, jump around and dance, all that cute crap, so she can't resist dropping whatever she's doing to pay attention to me. One time I got my cute on so well, she forgot about dinner on the stove and burned it. I'm just playin' the game, don't take it personal, toots. My 3-year old has a really disgusting habit of picking his scabs. Could this cause serious scarring? Ugh, what's wrong with you? I'm trying to eat my num-nums here. That is so incredibly foul. Yeah it's going to cause scarring -- to his social life. I have a lot of preschool lady friends, and they tell me they aren't so keen on bloody scabs or boogers, ya know? And don't you have any freakin' band-aids in the house? I mean, come on. My mommy just got me some Dora ones on sale down at Target, hey, live a little. I'm worried that because my 2-year-old can't learn his colors, he might be color-blind. How can I tell? Hmmm, color blind, yes, that's the first diagnosis I would make, given how COMMON color blindness is. "My son can't seem to learn how to play the piano, I'm concerned he might be deaf." What the hell are you talking about? Maybe he knows them, but he just wants you to shut the hell up about the colors and let him watch Blue's Clues, since hey look, Joe is always teaching about *gasp* colors! Back away from the flash cards, sweetheart. Have a question for Angry Baby? Send it to baby@imperfectparent.com |
||
In case you missed it, this column is meant to be humor/satire. In no way does The Imperfect Parent endorse or recommend following advice given by a cranky 13-month-old. | ||
1 Response to "Ask the Angry Baby"Leave a comment: | ||
|
||
Home -> Humor -> Ask the Angry Baby |
| ||
IMPERFECTION IN YOUR INBOX
 | ||
 | ||
| ||
POPULAR RIGHT NOW
Coffee or Tea, Which One is for Me? When I registered as an Independent, I did so because... read more » The Ides and Crooked Teeth of March According to the old saying, the month of March usually... read more » Why I'm tired of the GOP There's no doubt (except perhaps among loyal listeners... read more » |
About The Imperfect Parent | Submission Guidelines | Press | Contact Us | Advertise on The Imperfect Parent | Privacy Policy | Terms of Use
All original content © 2002 - 2010 The Imperfect Parent™ and Tiny Tantrums Media. The Imperfect Parent and Mominatrix are trademarks of Prudentia Communications Group.
The views, opinions and information expressed in articles and blog posts published on imperfectparent.com and all subdomains are those of the authors alone. They do not represent the views or opinions of The Imperfect Parent or its staff, nor do they represent the views or opinions of any entity of, or affiliated with, The Imperfect Parent and Prudentia Communications Group. The Imperfect Parent is designed for entertainment purposes only and is not meant to be a substitute for medical, health, legal, or financial advice from a professional.
Reproduction of material from any of The Imperfect Parent's pages without written permission is strictly prohibited. The Imperfect Parent and Tiny Tantrums are trademarks of Prudentia Communications Group.
1. Amy
Jul 16, 2008 15:38
I know this was meant to be humorous, but really foul stinky poos can actually be an early sign of disease, like cystic fibrosis.