I am a single father with custody of my two children but I send my ex-wife money every month to help her with expenses. The problem is my ex-wife buys the kids anything they want. Is this right?

You say mommy's gone, and you are alone with two spoiled brats. Probably makes it hard to find a new mommy, huh? Let me spell out a little scenario for you. Maybe, just maybe, the tall, sexy neighbor is interested in being the new mommy -- all night, every night. Now let's say I make that all stop. You wouldn't like it, would you? Yeah, I didn't think so. Don't even think about shutting down those kids' gravy train, they can't all be like me, makin' big bucks writing on the internets. Which reminds me, Imperfect Parent, I need a raise. SHOW ME THE TMX ELMO!! Also, my agent says I should be getting double my current zwieback bonus. OK? Great. Call me, we'll do nummies.

Why do children from the same family often have such different temperaments?

Why do parents from the same species often have such different IQs? Are you serious with this question? Where did you grow up, Stepford? It's perfectly normal, look at my family: I'm witty and charming, my brother is a Numero Uno Primo Grade-A Dork, and my parents are idiots -- just like you.

All my preschooler wants to eat is junk food -- McDonald's, cookies, pizza, chips. How do I get her to eat healthier?

OK, now you guys are just fucking with me.

My 2-year-old has started throwing massive tantrums at the store. I want to put a stop to this. How do you discipline a child in public?

When a mommy quantifies her question with "in public", it makes me think there's a part of the question missing -- like, "how do you discipline a child in public, because I know I can't whip him with an extension cord like I do at home, because I'll get dirty looks." But to answer your question, I know why he's having tantrums, it's because you're taking him to stupid, dummy head Wal-Mart instead of Target. I hate Wal-Mart, I always make my mommy take me to Target, it's my favorite. Target is clean, well stocked, and the staff is friendly. Target has great prices and a bitchin' snack bar. Target can also direct all Angry Baby sponsorship inquiries to baby@imperfectparent.com.

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